tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post2118875373968213020..comments2023-03-31T06:54:09.205-04:00Comments on Just Add One Chinese Sister: Because it's not always about the sunshine in FloridaUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger56125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-3714815167388935332009-06-08T11:02:37.405-04:002009-06-08T11:02:37.405-04:00T, thank you for writing this and thank you to all...T, thank you for writing this and thank you to all the commenters. From posts like this I will learn what lies ahead for us and I will know that I am not alone nor the only one who has walked this path. You are all in our prayers and will continue to be there. Hugs to all of you T and thank you again for sharing with us.Kaycehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01473905322257543749noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-35640640065748547042009-06-08T02:00:33.152-04:002009-06-08T02:00:33.152-04:00I had a similar experience when we were foster par...I had a similar experience when we were foster parents to a 10 month old little girl. The baby came to us from an abusive environment, and was in great trama on the day she was placed in our home. She latched on to me immediately and was ok as long as she could see me. When I was out of view the crying began. She wanted only me and was extremly fearful of anyone else. When a visitor came, she would crawl to me, grab on and climb up my leg letting me know she wanted me to pick her up. When I did, she'd hide her face in my shoulder and not move until the visitor left. She was extemely fearful of anyone except me and my 4 yr old daughter. If my husband came near her, she bagan crying immediately. So one day my husband picked her up - and the crying began - and walked out the door with her. He walked down the street and kept walking until she finally stopped crying. Then they walked home. While he walked, he kept talking to her in a calm, quiet voice. After that day, she was no longer afraid of him. And she was less likely to cry when I was out of site. She was learning to trust others and that I would always come back to her. <br /><br />I know listening to Eme's cries is so hard. But you have to get your rest so that you can be the best for her. And Eme has to see for herself that others are not going to harm her. <br /><br />I don't know if my story will be of any help to you, but I know it made a big difference for us. I have been following your trip to China from my daughter's blog (laurensjourneyhome). Mardi was the 4 yr old.<br /><br />I will definitely be praying for your family during this very difficult adjustment time. SherryAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-70906981812511526972009-06-08T00:32:37.663-04:002009-06-08T00:32:37.663-04:00I feel for you! I've been following your blog ...I feel for you! I've been following your blog for a little while now and love seeing the pictures of your beautiful daughter.... what a great smile!<br /><br />We've been home now for 10 months with our younger daughter who was 19 months old at the time of adoption. The early months were very difficult.... I was basically "on" for 24 hours a day for the several months home. We tried to keep things very low-key during this time. My husband and I were the only ones to hold Alyssa for the first six weeks (probably me for 80% or more of that time) and she was always within arms length of me when anyone else was around. It was especially hard on our older (bio) daughter who was 5 1/2 when we all traveled to China to meet her little sister. In some ways it seemed as if her transition was as hard as her sister's since she didn't really understand that adding a sibling was going to turn her world upside-down. <br /><br />We had great support from family members and just kept reminding ourselves that nothing was more important than our new family. We didn't worry about more than basic house-cleaning or meal preparation and welcomed whatever support was offered from friends and family. It sounds as if you also have a good support system that will allow you to concentrate on your daughter and boys for a while. <br /><br />I'm glad that I kept a record of the time after we got home. It helped me to see that things were getting better over time and kept things in perspective. The bonding and overall adjustment has gone quite smoothly overall and now it seems as if most issues we are dealing with are typical toddler ones. There is some lingering difficulty with getting her to sleep at either nap-time or night-time but, after months of having to be in the same room with her at all times just in case she woke up, I can now go other places in the house when she falls asleep... such freedom! By the way, it took Alyssa about two long (!!) weeks to get over the jet lag .... she and I got very little sleep in that time ... but then things improved and it made a big difference when we started getting more sleep. <br /><br />Hang in there! Things will get better.maehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15818534117267953258noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-38628448668037737232009-06-07T22:32:30.304-04:002009-06-07T22:32:30.304-04:00Tracy..I read this and am so sad for Eme and all t...Tracy..I read this and am so sad for Eme and all the other babies without there forever families way to long...It took our youngest a LONG time to bond. We look back at pictures and we honestly feel it was a good year before he had that "twinkle" back in his eyes. He was 14 months and was so loved by his foster family. My heart breaks for you, Eme and your family. It is HARD!! <br />Hugs to all of you:)Dianahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05590329522054940452noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-12983113351452022372009-06-07T21:25:18.276-04:002009-06-07T21:25:18.276-04:00Can you have someone come in to help with your hou...Can you have someone come in to help with your housework. I am certain our walls would have caved in or we would be living in a total mess had my MIL not been here to do all of that work for me and allow me to sleep when I could or just spend time with Hayden. <br /><br />I know this is so hard, but maybe you will just have to keep her in and away from most everyone except for family. That is mostly what we did(within the realm of reason) and it seemed by the time we did go out I knew it was okay. <br /><br />It took weeks for us to get Hayden in her carseat before she didn't just freak. When it was just she and I....because she is backwards she forgot I was still in the car with her. So I would talk constantly to her. We tried to do this as little as possible....Mostly I tried to always have someone to drive and that way I could sit in the back with her, then we finally switched to letting me drive....but having someone in the back with her...even it sometimes it had to be one of our dogs(that she loves) Now we have the mirror so she can see herself, we have certain driving CD's that we play, and now she is fine to get in the carseat....again this took weeks!!<br /><br />We did the whole sleeping on top of mommy, and boy can Hayden sweat. The second I would breath differently she would wake up and cry, and cry and cry!!! It just broke your heart. It is really, really hard....or at least I found this part to be really hard. My body and mind just craved one night of good sleep to try and tide me over again for a few weeks, and it didn't come again for weeks. I don't tell you that to discourage you, I tell you that to give you hope that it will come and trust me it will be the best night of sleep ever and you will be shocked the first time you sleep even 4-5 hours straight(at night without a sweating baby on you) you will awaken feeling like a million dollars!!! But please know(even though logically you know) that it will come, and you will both be alright!!<br /><br />I obviously do not know you, I have followed your blog for a very long time(since we started in the china line) I hope you will continue your blog, I do think it is a great outlet, and I hope that you get some comments that are profound enough to help ease your mind and some of the stress. I know there are plenty of BTDT moms that follow you and have commented, and I know they are all wanting to reach out to you and give you a hug and tell you that it does SUCK(that does not change how you feel about your child) it is hard, and you feel uncertain about the best thing to do, or the best way to handle it, and you of course want to provide your daughter with the emotional support she needs to deal with all of this change and transition. ....but it is hard. You have had 3 children, but none like this, and I am sure your worries when they were this age were very different. So don't be hard on yourself, follow your gut, explain to your boys(they sound so wonderful and loving, that they will understand) and you will come out on the other side and look back and see exactly how far you have come. Then someday Eme will read this and know exactly how far she has come and how strong she is!! <br /><br />Sorry about the pictures....that sucks too!!!<br /><br />Please know Hayden and I are sending you and Eme our hugs!!Pink Velvet Mommyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06712327164959928422noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-52195579178977251472009-06-07T20:33:16.156-04:002009-06-07T20:33:16.156-04:00I wish I had wise words but I don't. I know y...I wish I had wise words but I don't. I know you and your family are doing everything to make E comfortable and that she will be okay - I am sure the lack of sleep is not helping the situation for any of you. Thinking of you all as you adjust.<br />xoDaniellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14596859412414942719noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-70490891512856729622009-06-07T20:25:42.378-04:002009-06-07T20:25:42.378-04:00T - If I ramble, I hope you'll forgive me.
I ...T - If I ramble, I hope you'll forgive me.<br /><br />I wish I had some sort of comforting words to explain why some babies adjust better than others. Why some babies have no problems going to their fathers and others just pull away and want nothing to do with them. The conclusion that I am coming to accept with the second statement is that the nannies are women and therefore have no interaction with any males. <br /><br />I am hoping that sooner rather than later, things get easier for you with Eme's adjustment. Just stay strong and know that you have this whole world of blogger friends that have either BTDT or will be in that position soon.Lienehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11572578381386253334noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-67144500345358264412009-06-07T20:13:46.899-04:002009-06-07T20:13:46.899-04:00My heart hurts for sweet Eme, how fortunate for he...My heart hurts for sweet Eme, how fortunate for her she has a new Mommy who understands that she's hurting and is willing to do whatever it takes to help her feel secure in her new family. <br /><br />I don't know how you feel about the Rumor Queen site, but there have been some great discussions going on recently about post adoption depression (which is really due to anxious attachment on the part of the new child) and about anxious attachment itself. <br /><br />I doubt you have much time to read on the computer, but I think these discussions could be very helpful to you right now.<br /><br />Also, you're wise to ask for and receive as much help with meals as you can get right now -- keep requesting them as long as people ask how they can help you. Anything else friends can do for you (clean the bathrooms, do the laundry, run kids hither and yon, grocery shopping, etc.) ask them to do it. <br /><br />This won't be forever, it's just a period in your life and you need help so that you can help Eme. <br /><br />God bless you all...<br /><br />TB<br /><br />http://chinaadopttalk.com/forum/index.php?topic=34644.0<br />http://chinaadopttalk.com/forum/index.php?topic=34718.0Truly Blessedhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14038333888405690505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-13921320237062299902009-06-07T19:59:57.692-04:002009-06-07T19:59:57.692-04:00I don't think any amount of preparation prepar...I don't think any amount of preparation prepares you for how much your heart hurts in the moment. <br /><br />And the fact that your completely jet lagged doesn't help. Eme is probably freaked by how crappy she feels from it too without understanding why. <br /><br />Each day will get better... just remind your boys a thousand times a day how much you love them, they will understand at some point that the work you are doing with their sister was necessary for all of your survival. They are outstanding kids, they will be fine. <br /><br />Sending you hugs and my thoughts and prayers XOXO~Kristen https://www.blogger.com/profile/13309910177603887002noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-65513697164867957572009-06-07T19:54:57.710-04:002009-06-07T19:54:57.710-04:00I wanted to let you know I went through the same t...I wanted to let you know I went through the same thing when we brought EllaKate home 3 years ago. She completely latched onto me and there she stayed for about 3 months. I carried her in the carrier all day, she took naps laying in the chair by me, and she slept on top of me for months. It was what I had to do and there were days when she cried and I cried right along with her. I have three older daughters and they helped a lot! My house went by the wayside and we ate lots of takeout. It is ok just to focus on her and everything else will follow. I had one friend that told me put EVERYTHING into that baby for year and she will be very well adjusted- she was right! EK is so happy and smart and secure and I know your sweet girl will be too. We are all praying for you and know what you are going through! <br />Blessings!<br />Sharon Ankerich &<br />EllaKate Day home for 3 yearsEverything Beautiful Shayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12302160310871367391noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-71302558678796768512009-06-07T18:59:47.140-04:002009-06-07T18:59:47.140-04:00I appreciate your honest posts about your struggle...I appreciate your honest posts about your struggles with being at home. Although I've read the books, it means more coming from someone going through it now. I will know what to expect. Thank you. Things will get better! <br /><br />LindaLinda and Davidhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09894781019651209334noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-89958902327328053012009-06-07T18:57:58.244-04:002009-06-07T18:57:58.244-04:00Big Hugs coming your way. I just read the comments...Big Hugs coming your way. I just read the comments. Heartwarming to know that sooo many people care and have BTDT advice for you. Hang in there T, <br /><br />Take K up on her offer =) Truly a Special K. What a great friend. <br /><br />Take Care <br />Leanne in CaLeannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07940207252395504870noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-15202438482555464362009-06-07T18:43:58.134-04:002009-06-07T18:43:58.134-04:00If only my magic wand were real...If only my magic wand were real...Glindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00886016163969968604noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-13922615955509647622009-06-07T18:28:28.726-04:002009-06-07T18:28:28.726-04:00Hello, I feel your pain about the disposable came...Hello, I feel your pain about the disposable camera, I did not even get mine back. They gave me 4 pictures of Mattie they took at the orphange and he had his crotch less pants on so his little pee pee was sticking out. One was him on someones motorcycle which I do love because it fits his personalty. All Mattie came with was the outfit he was wearing, dirty girl jelly sandels, and some lotion they wanted me to put on him because "they said he had a rash". Basically he was left in the sun toooo long and was burnt and his skin was pealing. I kept all these things and will sharing them with him when he is older. Our first weeks at home where hard but now he is well adjusted and very out going so hang in there it does get easier<br /><br />It really does get easier I am actually adopting again this time from Russia because CHina does not like us single moms any more. Russia is completely different from China and LOTS of paperwork. Now I am babbling. SO hang in there and enjoy your little girl. BethBethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08139479341957740246noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-5319266179398828042009-06-07T18:01:37.971-04:002009-06-07T18:01:37.971-04:00I know that being an experienced mom before my two...I know that being an experienced mom before my two from China came home gave me the edge in determining what did not "look" right. Katie was the queen of the "mommy shoppers" and it took me a long time to make her get the fact that I was her mommy forever. You are doing an amazing and some day you WILL look back on this from a much better place. This I know for sure.Life with JJ, Starr and Spicehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08314621220679518722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-37392607803674380762009-06-07T17:33:26.606-04:002009-06-07T17:33:26.606-04:00I'm so sorry you're going thru this. we we...I'm so sorry you're going thru this. we went thru almost exactly the same thing with Elizabeth. it was awful. but we did get thru it...and you guys will too. It sounds like you are doing everything "right"-<br /><br />praying for you.jeanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07304431222792980327noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-52306770471904349052009-06-07T15:15:45.044-04:002009-06-07T15:15:45.044-04:00Oh T., here's hoping every day is a little bet...Oh T., here's hoping every day is a little better than the last. It is tough now-you are tougher. It's too bad all of us bloggy friends didn't live close enough to help with meals errands etc. I hope J is feeling better and is able to stay home for a while and be there for the boys.<br /><br />I will miss your blog terribly btw.<br /><br />Hang in therelaurienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-80143846354714156862009-06-07T15:05:41.019-04:002009-06-07T15:05:41.019-04:00I am a lurker to your blog but I wanted to tell yo...I am a lurker to your blog but I wanted to tell you that I'm thinking you all. I know this is a ROUGH time. We were there too and I didn't think we would survive. We were all super sick coming home and Catherine just had a rough transition. Our pediatrician recommended benadryl first but that didn't work and then he recommended a small dose of melatonin which did. It helped put her to sleep and it kept her sleeping for a few hours. She is in such a 'fight or flight' mode right now, that it's hard for her brain to make the chemicals/hormones it needs to shut down and go to sleep. It definitely helped with our transition and getting the sleep we needed. It also helped her adjust quicker because she was able to get out of the 'fight or flight' mode for a few hours at a time.<br /><br />It will get better...it doesn't feel that way now but it will!Wendyhttp://www.adoptionandfire.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-49435793466648522732009-06-07T14:34:04.934-04:002009-06-07T14:34:04.934-04:00My little girl was 14 months old when she was give...My little girl was 14 months old when she was given to me. I came home to a 9 year old Autistic boy and a 5 year old boy. It was just as hard as you described. In a way you are lucky that it is summer break. Emma would scream the whole hour it took to get the boys off to school in the morning. I had to get them to school and had to put her down a few times to get them ready. The first month home was horrible. There was no sleep. Emma would cry in her sleep for most of the night. Nothing I did would comfort her during these periods. By the end of the first month things were improving. By the third month things were really good. Emma now follows her brothers around the house and plays with her daddy. I know you must hate to hear this, but it really does get better.Randihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11618761695944392446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-47336487138743301702009-06-07T14:04:52.807-04:002009-06-07T14:04:52.807-04:00Thank you soo much for your honesty here. I will b...Thank you soo much for your honesty here. I will be leaving in July to get our daughter and this helps me to know what to expect and to not feel alone when this happens. I am saying a prayer for you now. You have such a beautiful family.Mardihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17522952628831269036noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-16987765759176631542009-06-07T14:02:30.103-04:002009-06-07T14:02:30.103-04:00I just wanted to THANK-YOU for your honesty and sh...I just wanted to THANK-YOU for your honesty and sharing your experience with those of us who have never been to the other side.<br /><br />Sending [{HUGS}] and Prayers!!!!!Island Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10973847406452920113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-2641556002181553922009-06-07T13:59:49.220-04:002009-06-07T13:59:49.220-04:00I don't know if you read the blog VaChina Mono...I don't know if you read the blog VaChina Monologues or not... but her baby girl went through a similar transition issue. She blogged about it honestly and one of the things that worked for her was to stay at home away from others and too much stimulation as much as possible. (I'm sure that wasn't the only thing)- anyway you might want to check out her blog.... vachinamonologes.blogspot.com<br /><br />Sending you best wishes from SC!!Suzannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09059963380163926153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-31385657563171449852009-06-07T13:46:24.581-04:002009-06-07T13:46:24.581-04:00I know it seems like forever but all of this chang...I know it seems like forever but all of this change is still so new. I wonder how a little brain can absorb so much. Yes she is suffering and you have the hardest job in the world being her primary caretaker and having 3 other children to take care of. This is definitely the time to accept any help you can get with the boys, laundry, cooking... Time is so healing but the healing time is incredibly tough. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I think you are incredible!!!stacihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10210521986467852140noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-62280476879155198622009-06-07T12:26:48.831-04:002009-06-07T12:26:48.831-04:00Sorry you're having a tough transition. Hope i...Sorry you're having a tough transition. Hope it gets better for you little one soon. It is so horrible to know that they are suffering such emotional distress, and not be able to fix it quickly.<br /><br />We had many of the same issues. Hannah also cried when I put her in the car seat and shut the door. One thing that helped us in many ways was giving her a little photo album with pictures of her and me and the dogs (the extent of our single parent family:)) and she carried it around with her. The album was one of those cheap little plastic things that was just baby hands size friendly. As soon as she was in the car seat I would give it to her and get her to start looking at it. Definitely cut down on the stress. Hannah still gets a lot of reassurance from it. I still need to talk to Hannah if she is in the car seat and I am at the back of the car (putting shopping in the boot, etc: she needs to know I am there). I also found making a game of closing her door worked - palying peek-a-boo and pulling faces. Don't know what the neighbours thought but who cares :)<br /><br />The superficial smiling we too had lots of: it was a million watt attention grabber. She went daddy shopping more than mommy shopping and would happily cruise on over to strangers given half a chance and crawl over them. It lessened with time, but that was really all that cured it. Time and the growth of trust. <br /><br />Hannah is only now starting to sleep well, though we still have incidence of trauma rearing their head and setting her off into horrific meltdowns. They told me she was sleeping thru the night at 6 months - big joke! Like you, we were getting 3-4 hours a night with multiple awakenings. A big help in the last couple of weeks has been the addition of a weighted blanket. Highly recommend it for giving a feeling of safety to your little one.<br /><br />If you can, I would say keep the blog up. I have found it so invaluable to be able to look back and really get a perspective on how far Hannah has come with attachment disorder. A great site is a4everfamily.org - they give a wonderful check list on signs of secure attachment (as well as the one with symptoms of attachment disorder). Eme can't be anything but superficially attached at the moment, but I'm sure you will soon begin to see the positive signs emerging that her attachment is becoming secure. There are always steps forward and steps back. No gain is necessarily set in stone. But every second she is with you, you are making progress, even though you sometimes can't see it. You will make it thru this. <br /><br />If she will let you, try adding a soothing massage at bed time. The skin contact will be very good for your bonding and her development of trust. It may also help relax her into a deeper sleep. Hannah was (is still sometimes) horribly hyper-vigilant and didn't fall into a deep sleep either. A very repetitive, simple and predictable bed time routine has helped us a lot. <br /><br />Sending hugs and prayers in your direction. I hope that Eme is soon thru the worst of her grieving and the fear begins to ease. <br /><br />Thinking of you all.Lindsayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12711583593777948158noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-209647468117242658.post-54104849574584403922009-06-07T12:24:04.061-04:002009-06-07T12:24:04.061-04:00Our daughter clung to me like Velcro for 1 solid m...Our daughter clung to me like Velcro for 1 solid month. She wanted no one else. It was very overwhelming for me. Eventually I let others hold her and quietly stood next to them to let her know I was still there. I had to hold her as well when I went to the bathroom. She sat by my legs when I cooked dinner. She eventually was drawn to Dragon Tales and would roar in her tiny voice with laughter at the show and soon I could move around a bit more. She cried at night in her crib alone because she had been used to sleeping with her foster mother. We would comfort her from her bed and walk out and soon that stopped, almost a week later surprisingly. She had the Fisher Price aquarium in her crib and that became our lifesaver. The light and the music just soothed her. She also had that to rely on if she woke up in the middle of the night before we could get to her. When we'd go out in the car and she'd hear the engine turn off she was terrified that we were going to drop her off and leave her with someone else. I don't know if you've learned a few Chinese words to comfort her? Looking back I realize that would have helped immensely. Sticking to a schedule that she can rely on in the beginning especially will really benefit her and her feelings of security. It took us a while but we realized that although she was well cared for in China she was absolutely paranoid for a very long time that she would not get to eat. Regular time periods of eating and snacking made her so happy. Most of all as the weeks went on she became a little more relaxed and slowly bonded with us. Within a month there was a huge improvement, within 2 amazing! You need a backup for example your husband, sister, friend that she just plain 'has' to get used to so you can get a few hours to get your mind together and go back refreshed. She will soon get the idea that you are always going to be the one to come back to her. With every week you will definitely see her relax and start to enjoy herself and you will see your old self return - I promise! I'm going to try and email you an article that explains what a child feels like going from birthmother, to orphanage to foster care, and finally to their forever family. That article alone will help you more than anything you can imagine!<br /><br />Everyone should read this before they pick up their adopted child. Taken fron the book "Adoption Parenting" EMK Press<br /> <br />http://www.emkpress.com/perspective.htmlMaryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00620713602359376882noreply@blogger.com