Sunday, April 18, 2010

Closing Up & Moving Forward

This blog is going private.
I personally despise private blogs, but feel it's necessary for reasons that I know you to will understand. I've got a lot going on and a lot to say, but it just isn't going to happen here.
I have felt choked for quite some time with what not to say on this site and can't deal with it anymore. I've decided that I am a blogger at heart and love to throw my thoughts out there for no good reason. It's not only a place where I dump my brain, but it's also a place where I learn, laugh and enjoy. I really do cherish all the opinions in blog world and hope to see you all soon!
So unless you live in my neighborhood, please feel free to email me for the info at:

Friday, April 16, 2010

Adoption Rocks!

It was one year ago that the power of the internet blessed me with the gift of these photos...
I'm still in awe of that little face, except I see something different in her eyes in those photos now. Her eyes speak volumes to me and the level of her comfortability with life.
For me, I fell head over heels in love with her the minute I saw her face. There was no doubt that I waited my entire life for her, she was my daughter. With all the negative press circulating about the adoptive mother who sent her child back to Russia on a plane is something I have no opinion about. I can't stand in judgement of the life she lived when I know nothing of it. I do wonder how bad it must have been in order to resort to such a final move. Go ahead and flame me, but I just don't believe that this mother woke up and decided to send him back without the feeling of helplessness. I know there are resources out there, but we as an adoptive community can do better, hell, my own pediatrician didn't believe my daughter suffered from PTSD, though she could barely peel her off of me last June, July & August. I believe that most people go into adoption sort of blind by the facts that these institutionalized children come with their own set of issues to work through. Or maybe it's not that people don't believe those issues are out there, but that it won't happen with 'THEIR' child, that they can love them through it better. It's a long road and had I not gone out and researched it on my own, I wouldn't have had any knowledge about what to expect. I believe agencies should step up to the plate a little more and prepare the parents for some of the issues that these children may potentially have. Knowledge is power. All the crap I read on attachment, RAD, PTSD, Neuro Reorg didn't scare me, it made me more powerful to help my daughter deal with whatever issues she may have. I don't approve of what that mother did, but I think we can learn something about the need for more services to fit these kind of circumstances.
And for the record, the only way somebody could take my daughter away from me would be through my dead rigor mortis hands.
Have I ever mentioned on this blog how much I love my girl?
I personally believe that adoption rocks!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

LL & Eme

Recently LL & Eme were able to connect and I just wanted to post these photos before time passed me by. I stole these from PM, since my camera battery was dead on arrival.
I can't believe how big my girl has gotten. She was the runt in October when we all got together, but I think she has passed up LL in height and weight.
The minute they saw each other they gave each other a hug and immediately held hands. They were very cute together, though Eme was on the crazy side that night.

I hope these girls remain close forever=0)

Sunday, April 11, 2010

my seaside tutu girl

To myself I am only a child playing on the beach, while vast oceans of truth lie undiscovered before me. - Isaac Newton

Today is a smooth white seashell, hold it close and listen to the beauty of the hours. - unknown

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. - Mark Twain

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Terrible 2's with a side dish of PTSD, attachment issues & mad self regulating skills


Eme's 2, which in itself presents normal issues like testing the boundaries, being defiant, which many would say she is establishing her independence in a typical 2 year old way. But with Eme, there is no such thing as 'normal'.

There is no such thing as typical 2 year old behavior when a child has had a life filled with disruptions and learning to not trust adults.

So far, disciplining Eme has not really been something we've had to focus on because well, she wasn't 2. We could tell her not to touch something and she listened for the most part, but now that her will is coming into play, it makes for some messy quick thinking decision making on a minute by minute basis. Eme testing me, doesn't mean she's establishing her independence, it means she's seeing if this Mom is strong enough to take care of her. Her defiance, doesn't mean she's being stubborn, it means she wants to control the situation. By her controlling the situation she feels safe in her own little world because she has learned that adults don't keep her safe.
Things are going to get a whole lot more difficult during this dethroning phase and I'm saying with the utmost of confidence, that this Mommy will prevail. Eme needs to know that we are strong enough for her to know what she truly needs. She has trust issues, she is high anxiety, she is scarred by her past and that past holds a lot of power over her current abilities to deal with her own behavior. Eme can not self regulate. I explain it like she's been strapped to a chair for the first 15 months of her life and now she has all this freedom, the ability to move, run, play, grab, touch, wiggle, jump, eat, climb & lick. It's like an open window and everything is just coming in at her full speed. She doesn't know when to listen, when to stop, when to chill, when to sit, when to stand, walk, run or play. She has to do it all RIGHT now. She has to TOUCH it, GBAB it, EXPERIENCE it. She is grabby hands extraordinaire.
Eme did not have the opportunity to learn these skills, hell, she didn't have the opportunity to learn to sit up, roll over, sit, stand, or walk until 15 months into her life. She missed the whole first year of her life physically and emotionally. She is not a typical 2 year old. She blew through those physical hurdles within 2 months of her life, but the emotional challenges are far from being on the same page.
I'm learning right along side of her as to how to parent the child that has no self regulating skills. In order for her to be able to self regulate, she has to be securely attached and once again, attachment is a process, not an instant thing that happens. So where are we in our attachment? We are chugging along. To the unknowing, the uneducated, we are rock solid, golden, beautifully connected and every ignorant person would say that Eme knows her family is forever and look how far she's come. To us, her parents that have seen the scars on her broken heart know that she is a work in progress. She is beautifully connected to us and she seeks us for her comfort, her needs, our love, but we are still growing in that attachment.
We have seen the different stages of her attachment, but yet at a minutes notice, what appears to be a rock solid attachment can turn into an anxious attachment. Eme has a lot going on and keeping her with me is the only way that she will learn to self regulate. She is not capable of handling play with other children her age. Thank God for Jaylee across the street, because she is learning right along side of Eme. We let them practice their mad play skills on each other ;0)
We RARELY go to a restaurant with her. We can not take her on more than 2 excursions a day, participate in story times, play dates, fun tumbling classes to burn her energy or let her have free play at the park because this is more than she can handle. She doesn't know how to handle herself.
So what appears to be naughty typical 2 year old behavior, is in fact not typical. We are working on a lot with Eme that the outside world doesn't see or understand and every time I hear how normal it is, I just want to poke my eyes out.
We'll get there...eventually...

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

This, that and ol' happy day!

My beautiful girl has been back to the hospital for more testing and what slips a person's mind while using the term 'testing' is all the garbage that one little girl must endure while trying to accomplish a test. Apparently, Eme has itty bitty tiny veins that make drawing blood and hooking her up to an IV nothing short of an hour long drama of restraining and God the tears...
The test didn't go well because the IV was a disaster and by the time we arrived at the nuclear med dept, my girl was mentally shot and terrified. The misery continued for another 30 minutes where I peeled myself off of her from trying to restrain her for the 45 minute long test and said, "we're done" after 25 minutes. I tried. I really did. I wanted the test to be completed because I can not put her through that again. I don't think they got what they needed, they told me in so many words, but I'm hoping they can tell me a little glimmer of hope of what's going on inside her.
& the icing on the cake to this already fabulous day...
my backup hard drive broke, so I spent all day yesterday prying it open to get the hard drive out and hooked it up to everything....long story short, ALL 10,000 of my photos and videos are in this one little black box that doesn't seem to be retrievable. The guru's think a driver inside the black box is broke and my next best option is to check with a diagnostic recovery guru. My brain is seriously fried. That includes all of Eme's China pictures, her first months home, her first Halloween, her first Thanksgiving, her first Christmas, New Year and her 2nd Birthday...our first year with her. My whole body shuts down when I think about the data not being able to be recovered. Tell me there is God!?!....
& for all you that haven't seen the most handsome boy around...check out my friends new little man! What a handsome boy he is and I couldn't be happier for them! What a long wait it's been for them.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Eme's first hunt

After a very long week, girlfriend slept in till 9:00 and she only woke up because I forced her up...
Morning hugs for her favorite dude in the house.& later that day, our annual cul-de-sac hunt began with lots of kids and lots of candy=0)

Confetti eggs...
apparently whoever thought of that idea was NOT a Mom.
Eme's PT brought them for the kids and now my entire road is covered with confetti and egg shells. They should come with a warning somewhere along the lines of:
I just loved watching her expression as she tried to see what was inside each egg.
Eme Grace and Jaylee's first egg hunt!

"Hey Eme! What's in your mouth?"
the answer would be....CHOCOLATE!
Coloring eggs with a enough kids to break any county noise ordinance ;0)

Eme was way more interested in eating the eggs verses dipping them in color...
that would be one explanation for her massive explosion in growth lately!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

One year ago...

We saw the face of our beautiful daughter on April 3,2009.
She has filled our hearts and our lives with more joy then one should ever be allowed to have in one lifetime. It's been a wild year of adventure, enjoyment and growth. We've been so blessed by this one little girl and we will be forever grateful to the People's Republic of China for sharing her life with us.