With all the talk going on about corruption in China's IA program, I can not help to have all this *stuff* swirling in my head. I'm usually pretty honest with the stuff I blog about because well, that's just me. I process information by acknowledging it, talking about it and then compartmentalizing it. I know this is subject that many do not want to talk about, that by not acknowledging it, keeps it out of their minds...sort of the ignorance is bliss mentality & though I agree with that, I just can't help but go there. I've tried to not think about it and I still do. The list of orphanages with high probability of the buy/sell baby program is shocking and large and I'm just having a really difficult time coming to grips with the unknown. I haven't processed the information yet and I'm still uncertain how this weaves into the history of my daughter, if at all.
I've had a range of emotions in the past week. I feel guilty, as if in some way I contributed to the corruption by signing up and waiting the 3+ years for a healthy baby girl. What is my responsibility in helping to *fix* this problem, if any at all? In part I believe the scandals could ultimately end the IA program. I know we signed up for an honest process and we can only hope and pray that that is what we got. However, I am seriously jaded by the information or lack there of.... For the most part I don't believe a damn thing in her paperwork. We as ooey gooey bright eye adoptive Moms want to hang on all the cute little things that the paperwork says make up the person that we are in love with. For us Moms, all the fluffy stuff they say about our child is the only thing we have on them, so it's natural to hang on to it as if it's the gospel. For the majority, if not all of us in our group, the paperwork was bullshit. Which makes it even harder to untangle the mess of her past. It is a beautifully f*cked up past.
I'm not sure how I will one day present her story to her or answer the questions that she may have. I seriously don't know. I do know that she may be annoyed with the constant answering of "I don't know" but that is the only truth that I have now. I don't think it's fair to pass on my fears & thoughts to her, but if she turns out to be anything like her Mom, then she will have a deep yearning for the truth.
How far is to far to dig to find truth?
How much is truth worth?
I can only hope that my daughter is secure enough in her own being to accept the unknown of her history. After talking to Mare about a 'claiming story' I believe that is something I need to look in to. She needs a story for the toddlerhood questions that might arise, before the age of understanding the truth. She has 3 brothers that have a marvelously documented history, how will it make her feel to not have anything but her Mama saying "I don't know"...
I will never water down her history or paint it something that it is or isn't. The truth is the truth, no matter how made up it is. I will walk through any door with her that she chooses to open. I only hope I am prepared for the duty when it calls.