Thursday, October 8, 2009

claiming the unknown

With all the talk going on about corruption in China's IA program, I can not help to have all this *stuff* swirling in my head. I'm usually pretty honest with the stuff I blog about because well, that's just me. I process information by acknowledging it, talking about it and then compartmentalizing it. I know this is subject that many do not want to talk about, that by not acknowledging it, keeps it out of their minds...sort of the ignorance is bliss mentality & though I agree with that, I just can't help but go there. I've tried to not think about it and I still do. The list of orphanages with high probability of the buy/sell baby program is shocking and large and I'm just having a really difficult time coming to grips with the unknown. I haven't processed the information yet and I'm still uncertain how this weaves into the history of my daughter, if at all.
I've had a range of emotions in the past week. I feel guilty, as if in some way I contributed to the corruption by signing up and waiting the 3+ years for a healthy baby girl. What is my responsibility in helping to *fix* this problem, if any at all? In part I believe the scandals could ultimately end the IA program. I know we signed up for an honest process and we can only hope and pray that that is what we got. However, I am seriously jaded by the information or lack there of.... For the most part I don't believe a damn thing in her paperwork. We as ooey gooey bright eye adoptive Moms want to hang on all the cute little things that the paperwork says make up the person that we are in love with. For us Moms, all the fluffy stuff they say about our child is the only thing we have on them, so it's natural to hang on to it as if it's the gospel. For the majority, if not all of us in our group, the paperwork was bullshit. Which makes it even harder to untangle the mess of her past. It is a beautifully f*cked up past.
I'm not sure how I will one day present her story to her or answer the questions that she may have. I seriously don't know. I do know that she may be annoyed with the constant answering of "I don't know" but that is the only truth that I have now. I don't think it's fair to pass on my fears & thoughts to her, but if she turns out to be anything like her Mom, then she will have a deep yearning for the truth.
How far is to far to dig to find truth?
How much is truth worth?
I can only hope that my daughter is secure enough in her own being to accept the unknown of her history. After talking to Mare about a 'claiming story' I believe that is something I need to look in to. She needs a story for the toddlerhood questions that might arise, before the age of understanding the truth. She has 3 brothers that have a marvelously documented history, how will it make her feel to not have anything but her Mama saying "I don't know"...
I will never water down her history or paint it something that it is or isn't. The truth is the truth, no matter how made up it is. I will walk through any door with her that she chooses to open. I only hope I am prepared for the duty when it calls.

13 comments:

3D said...

I can not imagine what it feels like to have my daughter and no answers. For us, that is something we discuss now but a bridge that we will cross still.

Pardon my dunceness...what is a claiming story? I have not heard that term in my readings.

Keep smilin!

~ Alison n' Mali~ said...

Sadly, it's all unknown. Even when people claim to know, I wonder if they really do.

M & I have been forced to live in the present these days, but mainly b/c her current issues are all we can handle right now.

I have accepted the fact that we may never know my girl's past - but whatever happened - it led her to where she is today. I plan on doing my very best to teach her that her past (no matter how dishonest or hurtful it was) is a big part of her life, it contributes to who she is, and it shapes her everyday. But one thing it will *never* do is define who she is as a person.

& if I know my girl the way I think I do - it will only strengthen her spirit. That's all I can hope for . . .

Sandra said...

I agree. I do not believe anything in my girls' paperwork. Jazzie's medical information was complete BS (likes listening to music, turns head when she hears her name, etc.). This child was born deaf and they didn't know it. I do not take the referral information I have as the truth. Knowing what I know now, I know better than doing that. Given the fact that Jazzie from Hunan where all the stories about baby selling first started, you better believe I have thought about this 1,000 times...

I am still trying to work out my own thoughts how to best answer my girls' questions. I can only hope I have done okay so far and that I will continue to do so.

Michal said...

I have to confess that I am one of those who are currnetly keeping their head in the sand on this issue. We are in the SN program for our second child form China and it feels like, if I don't read about this, then I will still get my child.
Is that awful? In some ways yes and in some ways, I think it's normal. This whole process is so big and scary, with so many unknowns....so many heartbreaks.
I am not sure how I would react if I learned that Ev was taken, or sold or bought... I am still not sure how I feel about "just abandonment". How horrible is it that with these scandals we are all hoping that our children were simply left behind? How bad is it when abandonment becomes the sunny side? I think this is why I don't want to think about it- it seems so incredibly horribe.
I look at Ev and I feel in my heart that she was meant to be mine, that the Universe did what it had to do to get me to her. This has always comforted me on so many levels. To then turn around and have to consider that it was just plain, old, nasty human greed and treachery that got her to us? Well, that just seems to mar every single thing we think and feel. I KNOW this is why most (including myself) adoptive parents don't want to think about this.
I do feel that I need to move forward though and stop letting fear control me. It is time that we face this and talk about it and see where our hearts can get.
I do know that there is no way in hell I would ever give her up. I do know that I am still hoping for my second child from China. Does that make me completely selfish and monstrous?

Could you please direct me to where you are reading articles and info on this?

Lisa (Briana's Mom) said...

I know that all the paperwork from Bri's orphanage was complete BS because she was in foster care for 9 months before I adopted her and they never even told me. I only hope the foster care reports I received have some factual information in them.

I put together Briana's toddler lifebook, and I included all the information that I do know (what little I know). She's looked at it a few times, but she is still too young to really understand. She knows she was born in China, but I don't think she understands exactly what that means yet.

I know I signed up for an honest process - I hope and pray that is what we got too.

A Beautiful Mess said...

*smooches* I have some more info on "claiming" and I'll bring it with me next week.

xo
mare

~K said...

The sheer statement of "claiming the unknown" proves that you will be prepared to handle any situation that may arise in Em's questioning mind. It may not be an "answer" to a question, but an opening to discuss, acknowledge and help her through the hurt of her unknown past. That is what is most important.

The "ignorance is bliss" ideal will only prove to hurt the ones that follow that ?truth? sadly.

Great post... smooches

Stacy said...

Where did you see a complete list of orphanages? Obviously, I am very curious to see if my daughter's orphanage is on the list. Thanks!

mycheekyredshoes said...

"We as ooey gooey bright eye adoptive Moms want to hang on all the cute little things that the paperwork says make up the person that we are in love with. For us Moms, all the fluffy stuff they say about our child is the only thing we have on them, so it's natural to hang on to it as if it's the gospel." - this is so true, even in our domestic adoption. What is truly factual - and what is made-up. How much do we honestly know and can we honestly tell our daughteres. I have such similar thoughts going on right now...do I write that to you every time I post?? :)

t

Tracee said...

My heart aches when I think of Lilly's past. Right now, her questions are pretty much benign and we don't feel we need to give her too much information. She's proud to be Chinese and is adamant that she learn more chinese language "so people know I'm Chinese." Your post really struck a chord within and I'll be thinking about this a lot...thanks.

Sara said...

Please share where you are reading this information, I am out of the loop...

Colleen said...

More stuff I will miss next week. Do enlighten me on the info you are reading.

I love your honest post, and agree with all of it. We all wish we had answers and knew the truth...sadly nope.

I'm so afraid of how to explain things to H. It will be nothing but the truth, but we know that usually the truth hurts, and oh god...the anxiety just thinking about it.

Wanda said...

I too would love to know where to find this list. I have read some of the articles in the LA Times but you're talking about more info then I have read.

Thanks for shedding light on this.