It's really ridiculous how exhausted I am and yet how wide awake I am at 3:30 A.M.

So it's 2 steps forward 1 step back.

*We had a few breakthrough moments yesterday where I think I heard blue jays singing.

1. Ems decided that the exersaucer was a cool place to hang out for about 10 minutes. Which suited me just fine, cause it gave me enough time to jump in the shower and get out.

2. I mastered the ergo on the back which worked fabulous for mopping and vacuuming. The problem is, the back carrying position seems to put her in a catatonic state. She is instantly asleep back there...& we don't need sleeping in the ergo on top of the 'accidental' 4 1/2 hour nap that took place yesterday.

3. She is still terrified of Daddy. She thought he was a fun guy in China, as long as he didn't hold her, but now she's not thinking there is anything good about him. She actually begins this panting thing, just like a dog out of breath, when he walks into the same room as her. The minute she sees him, she turns around and grabs for me. It's really pathetic, but we are waiting for her to get the fact that he isn't going anywhere. This is certainly a back step in things. I have no idea if she is scared of all men or just her Daddy or if the hair on his face and arms has something to do with itl (?) Don't know, it's not like I'm going to let any other man hold her to find out.

4. The nap yesterday lasted 4 1/2 hours, accidentally of course. I laid her down in her crib and was shocked that she stayed. I laid on the bed next to her and just held her hand until she drifted off to sleep. It was beautiful. After I got a few things taken care of, I decided to join her for the last hour of what was supposed to be her 2 hour nap.....well, 3 1/2 hours later, I feel J tapping my foot. I look at the clock and it's 4:00 already. Crap.

5. Due to the long nap, I kept her up with me till around 11:30 and then put her to bed. Her in the crib and me beside her. I rubbed her face through the rails until she fell asleep. It's now 6:19 and she's still sleeping! Major breakthrough for her. Several times through the night, she would pop her head up and start the panting, I'd reach in the crib and rub her head and she would put it back down and fall back asleep. I even began to panic that she might not be able to properly breathe because she rolled over on her stomach and tummy sleeping is a new thing for her because she certainly couldn't roll over when we got her 2 weeks ago. I found myself searching for her nose to make sure she was breathing and putting my hand on her back searching for movement.

6. Needless to say, my girl slept, but I only crashed out for 2 hours. I'm going to get some more Advil PM or some other thing to help with sleeping. I am literally wide awake at 3:30 and hungry. I'm thinking I need to get up and start dinner. My neighbor, the head chef to the best restaurant in town (Col~You know the restaurant), brought over some amazing spaghetti and I find myself dreaming of basil and meatballs at what should be the middle of the night. So not like me.

7. Something really stinking cute happened yesterday that I want to journal down. I was flipping through blogs and I went to one of our travel mates blogs and there was a picture of her daughter from China all smiley. The orphanage nanny told us that those 2 were neighbors in China, that the foster parents lived right next door to each other and those 2 spent a lot of time together. Well as soon as Emerson saw the picture of Phoebe, she started smiling, babbling and getting all excited with her arms. She never took her eye off the photo and I called for J to witness what seemed like a very sweet moment between Eme and a picture of her friend. In China they didn't seem to be overly close to one another, but suddenly, it's as if Emerson recognized that beautiful face. I should also state that Eme has not been the same happy girl as she was in China and the smiles don't come nearly as easily.

8. She said "Hi" to me yesterday. I had her in the ergo on the back and we walked past a mirror. I stopped and did the side view thing and said, "Nihao" "Hi"...she followed up with "Hi"...so cute.

9. She seems to be enjoying her brothers more. They make her laugh and she will go to them, but not J. We are limiting them holding her though. They can play with her, but that's it as of now.

10. I totally hijacked this from Alison's blog. She has been dubbed Dr. Al in our home and even J thinks she has a future career in writing a book.
With people coming in and out to drop off my boys, or drop off friends and pick them up and friends dropping off meals....I find myself reminding them gently that I'm sorry, but you can't hold her or give her the sweet meaning kiss on the cheek. & just yesterday, my friend asked me if I knew how hard that was on her. I totally get that it's hard. I had even told Alison how much harder it was on us to not be able to smooch the sweet nothings off Mali's face when the new 'rules' when into effect & she agreed as well, but then followed it with a, "yeah I know, but don't touch her." I still get a chuckle out of it and yet it serves as a nice reminder to me that I certainly was not offended when those rules were laid out to follow and I have to know that if my friends are truly my friends, then they won't get offended either, but instead they will want to encourage our proper attachment and bonding process. It just doesn't make it any easier. But Emerson has to know who her Mommy and Daddy are and that will take lots of time in building her trust.