Monday, June 8, 2009

It's really ridiculous how exhausted I am and yet how wide awake I am at 3:30 A.M.

So it's 2 steps forward 1 step back.
*We had a few breakthrough moments yesterday where I think I heard blue jays singing.

1. Ems decided that the exersaucer was a cool place to hang out for about 10 minutes. Which suited me just fine, cause it gave me enough time to jump in the shower and get out.
2. I mastered the ergo on the back which worked fabulous for mopping and vacuuming. The problem is, the back carrying position seems to put her in a catatonic state. She is instantly asleep back there...& we don't need sleeping in the ergo on top of the 'accidental' 4 1/2 hour nap that took place yesterday.

3. She is still terrified of Daddy. She thought he was a fun guy in China, as long as he didn't hold her, but now she's not thinking there is anything good about him. She actually begins this panting thing, just like a dog out of breath, when he walks into the same room as her. The minute she sees him, she turns around and grabs for me. It's really pathetic, but we are waiting for her to get the fact that he isn't going anywhere. This is certainly a back step in things. I have no idea if she is scared of all men or just her Daddy or if the hair on his face and arms has something to do with itl (?) Don't know, it's not like I'm going to let any other man hold her to find out.

4. The nap yesterday lasted 4 1/2 hours, accidentally of course. I laid her down in her crib and was shocked that she stayed. I laid on the bed next to her and just held her hand until she drifted off to sleep. It was beautiful. After I got a few things taken care of, I decided to join her for the last hour of what was supposed to be her 2 hour nap.....well, 3 1/2 hours later, I feel J tapping my foot. I look at the clock and it's 4:00 already. Crap.

5. Due to the long nap, I kept her up with me till around 11:30 and then put her to bed. Her in the crib and me beside her. I rubbed her face through the rails until she fell asleep. It's now 6:19 and she's still sleeping! Major breakthrough for her. Several times through the night, she would pop her head up and start the panting, I'd reach in the crib and rub her head and she would put it back down and fall back asleep. I even began to panic that she might not be able to properly breathe because she rolled over on her stomach and tummy sleeping is a new thing for her because she certainly couldn't roll over when we got her 2 weeks ago. I found myself searching for her nose to make sure she was breathing and putting my hand on her back searching for movement.
6. Needless to say, my girl slept, but I only crashed out for 2 hours. I'm going to get some more Advil PM or some other thing to help with sleeping. I am literally wide awake at 3:30 and hungry. I'm thinking I need to get up and start dinner. My neighbor, the head chef to the best restaurant in town (Col~You know the restaurant), brought over some amazing spaghetti and I find myself dreaming of basil and meatballs at what should be the middle of the night. So not like me.

7. Something really stinking cute happened yesterday that I want to journal down. I was flipping through blogs and I went to one of our travel mates blogs and there was a picture of her daughter from China all smiley. The orphanage nanny told us that those 2 were neighbors in China, that the foster parents lived right next door to each other and those 2 spent a lot of time together. Well as soon as Emerson saw the picture of Phoebe, she started smiling, babbling and getting all excited with her arms. She never took her eye off the photo and I called for J to witness what seemed like a very sweet moment between Eme and a picture of her friend. In China they didn't seem to be overly close to one another, but suddenly, it's as if Emerson recognized that beautiful face. I should also state that Eme has not been the same happy girl as she was in China and the smiles don't come nearly as easily.

8. She said "Hi" to me yesterday. I had her in the ergo on the back and we walked past a mirror. I stopped and did the side view thing and said, "Nihao" "Hi"...she followed up with "Hi" cute.

9. She seems to be enjoying her brothers more. They make her laugh and she will go to them, but not J. We are limiting them holding her though. They can play with her, but that's it as of now.
10. I totally hijacked this from Alison's blog. She has been dubbed Dr. Al in our home and even J thinks she has a future career in writing a book.
With people coming in and out to drop off my boys, or drop off friends and pick them up and friends dropping off meals....I find myself reminding them gently that I'm sorry, but you can't hold her or give her the sweet meaning kiss on the cheek. & just yesterday, my friend asked me if I knew how hard that was on her. I totally get that it's hard. I had even told Alison how much harder it was on us to not be able to smooch the sweet nothings off Mali's face when the new 'rules' when into effect & she agreed as well, but then followed it with a, "yeah I know, but don't touch her." I still get a chuckle out of it and yet it serves as a nice reminder to me that I certainly was not offended when those rules were laid out to follow and I have to know that if my friends are truly my friends, then they won't get offended either, but instead they will want to encourage our proper attachment and bonding process. It just doesn't make it any easier. But Emerson has to know who her Mommy and Daddy are and that will take lots of time in building her trust.


thegreybullet said...

It sounds like you made a little progress with precious Eme. You are right if your friends are really friends they will understand and not get offended. You are doing an awesome job! It is a difficult adjustment to do it correctly but so worth it in the end! It was good you got a little nap in the afternoon. Take whatever sleep you can get whenever you can!

A Beautiful Mess said...

Sophie does that panting thing if chris or I raise our voices at/to she only done that like once *snort*

Sophie slept pretty good last night too. Wonder how Col and Hannah did??

Wish I lived closer so I could not touch Eme but chat with you and help you out like by driving J to the doctors and then the pharmacy:)



~ Alison n' Mali~ said...

Dr. Al, eh? I like it . . .

Mali will lend u one of her parrots to help keep well-meaning folks at a distance =)

Glad to hear Eme is starting to make baby steps towards sleeping & feeling more cozy in her new home. By next week, she may even enjoy her Daddy! I can seriously see her becoming a total Daddy's girl . . . in due time.

Isabella's Mommy and Daddy said...

Glad to hear that Eme is starting to get some sleep.. now you need too girly..
sounds like you are doing lots of great things.. she will soon know how wonderful her Daddy is..
Have a great day..

Marla said...

Glad to hear there's progress! Poor Daddy, Jaden was the same way about men. She screeched if Derek even looked like he was going to touch her and my dad couldn't be in the same room with her for a while. It'll get better though, I promise.

Hope things continue to improve and that you are able to get some rest. Take care!

Kathy said...

You will take many baby steps before you see alot of changes. She will do it at her pace and she has wonderful parents that realize this. Praying she lets daddy in soon. Get some sleep.
Love reading your journal and how honest you are, so many people sugar coat this process. Ours hasn't been easy either but best of luck.

Lindsay said...

So glad for you that you made a little progress, and especially that you got some sleep yourself.

Thinking of you, and wishing you all the best.

Debra said...

It will get better!
Remember jet lag is hell and very distorting.
Remember to sleep as often as you can and soak up that sunshine.
Best wishes and blessings,

Kristen, Mark, and Miranda said...

Oh, Emerson, I'm so glad Phoebe brought you a smile! We miss you, sweet girl!
-Phoebe's mom

3 Peanuts said...

I honestly don't know where to begin...I can empathize with every single thing you have written in the last few posts. It is such a challenging adjustment!!! It will be 2 steps froward 3 back for a few months but through those tough times, Eme will learn to trust and truly love you all. It is through tough times that we all become closer.

One day you will just realize that Emerson has blended seemlessly into your family (not that she doesn't already) but it will be different.

I am making my blog private and would love to invite you...please leave me your e-mail in my comments...I will not post it.


Hope you can get some sleep:)

Tawni said...

I have no advice, but I wish I lived closer to see you all together...not touch or stare...just sit and talk.

The sleep thing sounds so familiar to the newborn thing. Waking up all the time to make sure they're still breathing and moving. Panicked if they sleep too long, but afraid of waking them up.

Love, love, love the sign. I would love something similar for Av. Everyone feels the need to touch and the need to know. It's gotten old. She's mine and she's from my home...beat it. But, that's for another post on another day.


Tomorrow is my O's b-day and my mom gave him a shirt that said "Another day in paradise" - I had to smile because I thought of you...cheesy, I know.

Anonymous said...

Congrats on your new addition.
Our first daughter Ciara was in foster care, and did not like daddy, so what we did was when she took a bottle, he took her, she wanted the bottle more than anything and this started the bonding. Also I would put her down and reassure her by talking to her that we were here and always would be. Having to carry her ever were was a back breaker. That was 6 years ago. Good luck with everything, hope you don't mind my two cents.
Penny in PA
Ciara Jiangxi Fuzhou
Caelyn Guangxi Beihai

Kristy said...

You are a good mommy!!!

Love and blessings, Kristy

Melissa said...

I am glad some progress is being made. Still continuing to send you prayers during this rough time. I am so glad you have educated yourself so well. Reading both you and PugMama's blogs, I can see how well you both educated yourself and I love your honesty. Everything is not all roses and Sunshine. I read a lot of blogs and many of them seem to skirt of the issues or it seems like some of the parents don't really understand the process. I think the agencies don't always prepare parents. Your daughter is beautiful and I will continue to keep you in my thoughts for better days ahead and much needed rest for you. You are such a great Mom!

Buckeyes & Eggrolls said...

Just wanted to let you know that Maddy thought Marty was the cats meow in China but just two days home, he went back to work. When he would come home, she would go running down the hall screaming as if she had been scared to death. the look on her face was sheer terror. It killed Marty to say the least... esp when she would go to complete strangers (men)
Don't waste your money on Advil or Tylenol PM. the "pm' part is just Benedryl and buying benedryl and taking an advil with it is less expensive. :0)

Here's to a restful night~

Mary, Jason, & Maya said...

I'm so glad to read that you're seeing a little progress. My daughter had the same issues with my husband at first. Today, they're a pair! Eme will get there and I'll bet she and her dad will be inseparable one day.

Jill said...

WOW! Your daughter Emerson is a STUNNER! Loving the name by the way!
Don't blame you for being "protective" these first few months. I wish we had done more!
Hugs, Jill

Karen and Bob said...

You are doing everything right, don't forget that. I had a friend who is no longer a friend...mostly because she couldn't respect my wishes about not sharing any parenting/bonding actions with her. I had to tell her numerous times not to feed her to no avail. There were many other things, but she just didn't get it. Hang in there.

Steffie B. said...

You are doing everything right....she will be ok in time....I couldn't put Sophia down right away either and the exersaucer did work for her too....along with the very simple Baby Einstein videos.....but you sweet girl.....need to get some sleep.....I pray that you all adjust soon....

Catherine said...

Such challenging days and nights. ((hugs)) friend. You are doing so much for Eme and will reap the benefits for years and years to come. Praying she learns to accept J sooner than later.

Janet said...

I need a sign like that for Jeane. Everyone thinks that they can just walk up to her and pick her up. I know it's been a year, but quite frankly, I don't like ANYONE picking ANY of my kids up if they are strangers to them. I find it so weird that people think they can pick her up because she's adopted! I want that sign, except mine would read , "DON'T TOUCH THE AFRICAN GIRL!"

Kudo said...

you are so right. I lost a few friends over the fack that I would not let them bet too close to my girl when we got home and that it when on for months was more then they could take. SORRY I'm in this for the long hall and if you are that shallow then hit the road Jack!

Georgea's Mommy said...

I also stole the "do not touch the Chinese Girl" sign! Hope that's ok. I posted it on my blog & the timing was perfect bc we've had some people asking to hold our baby girl. We're not ready yet. :-)