Tuesday, June 30, 2009

taking a break

hiatus Pictures, Images and Photos

All is well with us, it's just that I have zero time to blog and I'm not really feeling it lately.

We are practicing attachment parenting and it takes every bit of me ALL the time. I can't just stick E in the high chair and throw some food on the tray and go get something done, as her provider, I sit and feed each bite to her, so she learns that I will provide for her needs. If she was feeling the warm fuzzies for her Daddy, then he would be the only other person allowed to meet her needs . I hold her, rock her & feed her her bottle, I bathe her, I play on the floor with her and it is me who meets every single one of her needs. I carry her in the ergo 6 hours a day, where she still feels the most safe and secure. I did try the stroller out the other day when we went somewhere and I had to get all gussied up.....however, Eme didn't like it. She was anxious ridden and I didn't care how unfashionable the ergo was or the fact that we were outside in 100 degree thick as thick humidity and sweat was the sexy accessory, my girl was going in the ergo.
As hard as it is on me now, I am glad that Eme is showing me that all is not well in her heart by her anxiety when I am out of sight for 2 seconds or when something doesn't feel right to her, her cry reminds me that she needs me. It makes it easier on me to KNOW without a doubt that I can't hand her off to anybody because I THINK she is an easy going girl and she'll be just fine. I feel grateful that she is showing it in the only way she knows how. My girl has been abandoned 4 times already in her short little life. To expect her to just feel safe is ridiculous at this point. She has only been home a little over a month now and that is a small drop of time in the bucket.
She is not okay with Daddy yet, but she is more relaxed around him. I can not rush her heart because of what may be convenient for me now. She will get there, in time. She will learn to trust us both with her whole heart and when she does let the walls down around her heart, she will feel all the love that we already have for her. I could not love her anymore if I tried. I am in awe of this little girl and her resilience to push through with a big 2 dimpled smile on her face.
Everyone in our life has been very supportive of our parenting which is highly helpful to not feel like I need to constantly explain myself. It is a different style of parenting. It's opposite of everything you do with your biological children who are born to you and trust you from the very get go. I have to earn her trust every single second of every single day. She adores her brothers, most especially G. She feels very smitten by him and will happily go to him, he tells me every day how much he loves her and can't believe that she is here. C makes her laugh constantly and W likes to share his snacks.
It's summertime and I don't just have 1 daughter struggling with feeling secure, but I have 3 boys who want to have fun and enjoy their time out of school. I don't have time to play around on the computer or chat on the phone, besides it's really hard to hold a phone & a 19 lb grabby handed girl. There is just not enough of me to go around and I really could use a wife.
&....because every girl needs some girl time, Colleen & Hannah are flying in today for some
4th of July fun. I am hoping to be back with photos soon!
Enjoy your summer!

17 comments:

Isabella's Mommy and Daddy said...

Take all the time in the world..
And when you get that FULL ON LOVE from Eme.. she will have it there waiting for her..
You are an amazing mom..
I can't wait to hear all the fun you will be having this weekend..
I knew when Colleen said boat.. she was heading your way..
you sooo deserve it..
Love ya girly..
Can't wait for the photos..
And take care of yourself...
HUGS..

Debra said...

It sounds like things are going well with your adjustment. Stay strong and remember that all of us in blogland are with you.
Many hugs,

Tracee said...

Hang in there. It's obvious where your heart is and Eme is one fortunate little girl to have been chosen to be YOUR daughter. Be good to yourself and have a great weekend with your friends!

Pug Mama said...

I am SOOOOO excited to hear that C&H are coming for a visit - how wonderful!!!! Have fun!!
and as far as feeling like you have to explain why you need to take a break, or why you can't make phones call, etc.....ANYONE who doesn't understand that is a dumb ass. I mean really. A true friend understands. Take all the time in the world. Your friends will still be here.
Love ya!

Georgea's Mommy said...

Kudos to you. You guys are amazing. Will so miss seeing what's going on, but I support you all the way. You are all in our thoughts & prayers as you continue to love & build into your sweet little angel.

Amy

Daniella said...

I'm with PM - no need for explanation - just came by to check in and say hi - I'm in the bad place about our adoption - hope it pasess. I know you know what I mean. Enjoy the 4th.

Laurie said...

I thought you were on hiatus...d@mn Bloglines! It warmed my heart to see the pictures of E & J in the pool. There will be more and more breakthroughs I'm sure. Like another poster above said you are just amazing with your attachment parenting. Enjoy the rest of summer with that beautiful family-your blog buddies will be here when you get back.

Anonymous said...

You and hubby know what is best and you are doing a great job. Hopefully she will allow daddy into her heart fully soon. He is one patient and great sounding guy.
Best of luck with the rest of your summer, will check back to see what is going on later. Glad the boys are getting along with their little sister and understand.

Kathy and Rieley

Randi said...

I don't know if it is true for everyone, but for us after we were home for 3 months it was like we had a different child. She wanders off to play for a few minutes and comes back to "check in" with mommy. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job.

Daisy Dreams said...

Keep up the great work! You are doing exactly what Eme needs and it is exhausting, I'm sure. Take time to relax and enjoy the rest of the summer!

Hang in there :)

Ani said...

Your girl is so blessed to have a Mommy who understands just what she needs AND provides it to her!

Hope you have a wonderful summer. Looking forward to picture updates :)

Special K said...

It sounds to me like you're doing everything you possibly can to help Eme as she transitions into her new life and family. You'll get there in time... and this will all just be a memory.

Glad Colleen is there to drink with you in the hot tub. Just remember not to stay in too long. LOL!

Kristy said...

Take all the time you need T, I want you to know that you are doing a great job and you are an incredible mother. God bless each of you.

Love and blessings,Kristy

mary said...

You're doing an amazing job and I admire your will and determination. You are more than entitled to a break. I do want to thank you for sharing your story. I know you've educated many prospective adoptive parents about the importance of attachment parenting. Enjoy time with your friends and enjoy your summer.

Mary

Alyson & Ford said...

You're doing great! Each week you will see progress.
AA still is very anxious when we are out of sight. Her meltdowns are less frequent but we still need to "baby" her and be her provider. I remember reading once that it would take over a year. I kept think, oh, she will do better and it will be sooner. But I have to agree now. Even with so much progress, smiles and hugs, you will know each step she takes towards attachment, when the "aha" moments come for her. Enjoy!
Happy 4th!

Alyzabeth's Mommy for 9.5 Months!

3 Peanuts said...

T,

You are SO on the right track!!!! I am barely on the blogs at all myself. You are doing ti all right, T. I have re-prioritized and I want to spend my time with my kids hubby and friends and not on the computer. I pray for Eme and your family and I now it will get better. you are a GREAT Mom!

PIPO said...

I get it...

I've been off on my own hiatus of sorts too. Nothing more important than getting our girls of to an optimum start.

I've been thinking of you and will continue to do so.

Claire is sending some good karma to Eme....never can have too much.

Hope your weekend with C&H was a great one.

Mucho amor, mama.