I have full intentions of shutting this blog down at some point. I thought maybe it would be immediately after I returned. The point of it was to go to China to bring home our beautiful daughter and that has happened. But now I find myself needing an outlet for all these thoughts in my head and in some twisted way, I want to remember how difficult this adjustment period is so that I don't forget and I can also rejoice in the time when my girl is at peace within herself and within her family. She will get there, I know she will...
*We have one scared to death little girl on our hands. Her face is full of anxiety and stress and though she will throw out some of those famous 2 dimple smiles, they are superficial. She will engage strangers with her smile, but will not look at her Daddy yet. He is being patient and is waiting for her protective walls to come down and not pushing himself on her....which is okay for now, but at some point, I will have to go somewhere without her or do something that might require 2 hands and would be to unsafe for her to be strapped to my body. She panics if I walk 1 foot away from her when she is in the high chair. We ventured out yesterday and there was enough tears to fill a bucket just by buckling her in the car seat and walking around to get myself in. It was heart wrenching to see the fear in her eyes and to realize that my girl is that terrified that I to will leave her.
*She is 'superficially' attached to me as well. Her heart isn't really in it, it's just I'm the chosen one that she feels the most comfort with. I long for the day that she is comfortable and her interaction isn't forced.
*She slept 12 hours a night in China, in her crib, beside the bed. I would lay next to her in the bed till she drifted off to sleep and would be waiting beside her when her eyes would open. She seemed at peace, in fact, she fell asleep in my arms only a few times, for the most part, I laid her down after our snuggle time and waited for her to fall asleep, she never cried. She talked sweet nothings and then fell asleep.
*I tried this same routine at home, but she starts that very unsettled cry when I begin to pull her away from body. She's not sure where she might end up and she takes hold of me with a death grip and the whine follows. I refuse to let her cry it out or tough it out at this point, so I pull her close and we both lay on the bed together. If I slide her to the side of me, she is instantly awake and begins the whole death grip/whine thing. She is only sleeping snuggled up on top of me and within my arms. She is terrified...and she's also a very hot sweaty sleeper, which doesn't make for a rested Mommy in the morning. I would say we get about 3 hours of on and off sleep a night.
*I have no idea how to maintain a home and give the boys the attention they need during this period of time. All of me is needed by one little girl and everything else seems to be piling up around me and it does make for some frustrating moments.
*I got one disposable camera back from her care package that went to the orphanage. Though my expectations were at an all time low, the reality of just how invaluable they treated that camera really pissed me off. I had sent 2...but I guess it would be way to difficult to snap some photos for the piecing together of Eme's history. When it was developed, it had a total of 6 photos on it. One of those photos was of me and Ems at the Costco counter that the lady snapped, one photo was of Emerson and the dude that brought her beside of another baby, another photo was of Emerson and the dude with their heads cut off and the rest were of nothing but a building and grass. Totally disappointed once again. Shouldn't have wasted the $50.00 to mail it. I'm sure they enjoyed the chocolates though. =0/ For that matter, I'm totally jaded by how little they give a crap about their history. I don't know that anybody had honest paperwork of their child. Some were the same and we had plenty of good laughs about how inaccurate our papers really were. Do they just randomly check boxes and tell you what you want to hear? As her Mother, I am disappointed about the disregard of who she really was the first 15 1/2 months of her life.
*I've decided that putting a hat on Emerson is the best way to keep her unengaged with others around her. They don't see the pile of cuteness hiding in the ergo and she doesn't make eye contact with anyone because they can't see her eyes. I don't want her hamming it up for strangers when she can't deal with the reality of her new life.
*I am 'not so' patiently waiting for updated pics of my 2 girlfriends that have rec'd their girls 2 hours ago. I can't wait till we are all together again, what a journey it's been for all of us. I just wish our China time coincided.