Sunday, January 17, 2010

as if I could forget

I was thinking about my Dad tonight, because he was well...sarcastic, and I love me some good sarcasm. He was witty and he could snark the balls off a snake. He'd be celebrating a birthday and I really can't believe he left this world 7 1/2 years ago. God I hate cancer. What has the world missed without him in it? Where has the time gone? What has he missed? What have " I " missed?

Happy Birthday in heaven daddy.
God I miss you.
& because you share a birthday month with my twins...I felt your presence wash over me as I remembered them. It was as if you were right here whispering in my ear,
"I told you you'd be fine."
All those sleepless nights we spent messaging each other over the internet when my heart was bleeding out from the pain of their told me that you would always be here for me and it would all be fine. It took 9 years for me to feel 'fine' and I thought you should know.
.... that all is well with my soul.

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing

& then they turned 11...
I’m not even sure how to describe my twins, other than mine, if only for a short while. They were given to us through the foster care program and we loved them deeply. We never imagined that they would be sentenced to return to a home that caused them the very pain that brought them to us. I deeply believe in foster care and I deeply believe in adoption.

Their photos remain a part of our family, there story has changed us and there will always be a corner of my heart reserved just for them and all that they brought to our family. You don’t have to scratch the surface to deep to feel my grief and see my tears, they are missed and will always be loved.

This song speaks my heart:

I will remember you, will you remember me?”

“Don’t let your life pass you by, weep not for the memories.”

“I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep, standin' on the edge of something much too deep. It’s funny how we feel so much, but cannot say a word, we are screaming inside but can’t be heard.”

“I’m so afraid to love you, more afraid to loose, clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose.”

Dear Liam and Shelby,
There will never be another you.

Somehow, I hope you know how much you changed us and how much we love you.


Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

I am so sorry Tracy.... your Dad sounded like a very wonderful and wise man.

I cannot imagine the pain you suffered through since the loss of the twins..... so very devastating. Words cannot describe what you must have been feeling. I know that Liam and Shelby both have a special place in your heart and they will always remain there.

What a beautiful post and tribute to your Dad and the twins.


Anonymous said...

Your blog makes me laugh.
Your blog makes me cry.

You surprise me often. ;)

And referring to your "mommy" post. I love it.
Dead-on, girl!!!!!!!!

Pug Mama said...

hugs and much love my friend.

Suzie said...

Sounds like your Dad was an amazing man and I'm sure he must be so proud of you.

How blessed that Shelby and Liam were to have been a part of your lives. Love like that is not forgotten.

Great post, as usual!

A Beautiful Mess said...

I am forever grateful to call you my friend.


Two Kayaks said...

I am so very sorry for all that you have been through. So much pain. Hugs to you.

Sandra said...

The first time I came across your blog, you had written a post about Liam and Shelby. I haven't left since.

Your dad sounds like an amazing man. Sending you hugs....

Briana's Mom said...

Your dad does sound like an amazing guy. Sorry for all your losses. Sending hugs...

Debra said...

I'm sure your Dad is so proud of you. He helped to shape you into who you are, so he must have been a really terrific and loving man.
My heart just aches for your loss of the twins. Do you ever get updates on them?
Bless you,

Diana said...

My moms Bday would have been are sooo right..CANCER SUCKS!!!

Do you ever hear anything about your twins? I did not know if you had anyway of finding out how they are or where they are living at now..That is just heartbreaking to be "sent back" to a place where you know is not a good place for them..

Kris said...

what a beautiful post. this kind of loss never leaves you- i understand. my mom died 4 years ago on this day.
my heart goes out to you.

Diana said...

How long did you have them with you..I just watched the video and it was beautiful!!!

Anonymous said...

Like another reader above said, you make us laugh and cry. And you say it like it is. I love your blog - hearing about your family and hearing your thoughts. I rarely comment and I don't blog, but after the negative comments back and forth, I wanted to delurk and tell you how much I look forward to reading your posts. Your family is beautiful and your posts are terrific. Thanks very much.
Robin in NYC - mom to a beautiful almost 8 y o daughter from Anhui.

~K said...

You have lived more life in your short time on this planet than most do in an entire lifetime. All of these sad and happy times have made you the amazing woman, mother, wife & friend that you are.

Much love to you my friend as you miss those that you love so much...

Colleen said...

"sigh"... yep, I'm crying. I know how much you miss your Dad and those beautiful twins. I am very CERTAIN that they will remember you... always.

Luv u



Daniella said...

Thinking of you. I have missed my Dad every single day for the past 9 years and there are times I feel him so strongly around me. Most recently during our heartbreaking end to our adoption plans. He was there. Your Dad seems like he was an amazing man and he raised an amazing daughter. As for your twins, I have to believe they also will remember you and your loving family.

Janet said...

I am so sorry, Tracy, I had no idea. None. Praying for peace and strength for you at this time of heart breaking remembrances.

elizabeth said...

There are really no words other than I'm sorry for the losses you have experienced.

I believe there needs to be some reform in the family court system. It makes me sad to think of your twins taken from your home. They looked so happy with your family.

Laurie said...

Your dad will always be with you because he is a part of you...I believe a part of you will always be with your twins as well. Someplace deep down their hearts will always remember and feel your and J's love.

Colleen said...

I'm just a lurker but needed to leave a comment...well since I'm in tears after watching your slide show...I cannot even imagine the sadness that you went through...the love in your eyes for those beautiful twins shines through your pictures {{{hug}}}

Wanda said...

I'm late reading this post and am so moved I almost don't know what to say. You have a way of putting it out there that is so raw and real and moving.

I'm so sorry for all the losses in your life but loved your line that all is well with your soul.