Wednesday, February 24, 2010

feeling the squeeze of life

I hadn't planned on posting tonight, but as I read a few blogs to just relax after a crazy kinda hair raising day, I came across something that just stunned me to the max and it made me think that 1/2 the people in this world have lost their god lovin mind. Maybe I'm a tad bit cranky because it's election time here within the gates of hell and for all you that have played this game with me for the past 4 years, you know what that means. I'm completely frazzled, burned out and annoyed with life. I'm sick to death with the old asshats. They've worn me thin and I'm over it. But within the moments of campaigning, I have to find time for appointments, laundry, cleaning, cooking, homework, working out, crawling time, reading, snuggling, tossing, changing, showers and more snuggles. I hate election time.
Moving on....
There was anonymous comment on another blog about their beautiful child who was adopted before the magical age of 12 months and beyond the comprehension of the anon commenter, they were shocked to find out that the baby has/is adjusting and/or struggling some 3 months later. What really chaps my arse is that most people in the world underestimate what takes place during the 1-12 month phase of life. I know that I'm sick to death of explaining my girl to those that don't get it or care to, but yet they do care to pass judgement & have opinons on those that are living with the day to day struggles of these children that have been abandoned, neglected &/or abused. Chaps my arse.
& to unload my really crappy experience that added to the fury above is that I have a really good friend that stopped by to collect her children and then proceeded to ask how my girl did while we were away for the Key West weekend getaway. I told her that she did great while I was away but fell completely apart the moment we got out of the car and before I could finish with the story she was shrugging it off and telling me that it was normal. That ALL kids throw fits. It took everything in me to not just walk away. I did muster out of my very tiny annoyed voice that there was nothing normal about her meltdown and there was a specific trigger for it, but she wouldn't hear of it, as if she knew more about my child than I did. I always welcome insight, but not ignorance.
& as if that wasn't enough, I had to take Eme to a doctor appt this week and because people don't get the do not touch my child rule, the assistant decided to squat to my girls level and ask her, "Are you a bad girl?"
Seriously? my Mama bear claw is 5 millimeters short of clawing off faces.
I guess I'm just feeling rather annoyed with the folks that have all sorts of thoughts and opinions and absolutely NO knowledge about the institutionalized child. I'm my girls biggest advocate. I don't need cheap opinions from uneducated folks that have never stepped outside of their very narrow world.
Thankfully most of my friends get it and respect our issues, rather they understand them or not. I guess I'm just putting this out there for all those that just peek into the daily lives of those like mine. We have lots of struggles and our biggest one seems to be time. I need more time. I don't have the luxury to spend days doing lunch with my girlfriends, shopping or chatting on the phone. I have a lot that needs to get done between 8&8.
Gawww, I'm bitchy tonight.


La-La-Liene said...

Are you serious? She asked if she was a bad girl? What kind of person does that? I guess someone who has very little between the ears.

It really sucks when people are insensitive and shrug off things they know very little about or who think they know more about your kids than you. I had one lady get really snotty with my daughter at the post office about a month ago and yelled at her to get out of the way. In the nicest tone possible I said to her, "She's profoundly deaf and she can't hear you without a hearing aid." At the time we didn't have it yet. It didn't seem to make a difference. I could've been talking to a wall. You know whats best for Eme and do what you have to.

Island Girl said...

Okay I could be wrong but seriously when was the last time a child had a meltdown when they SAW there parent. Usually the meltdown when the parent leaves and they rejoice the minute they see how the hell is that normal...hello

Plus I would have kick the assisant legs out as she was squatting...seriously she needed a little ass time!!!

Rhonda said...

I would have bitchslapped the assistant, what was she thinking? Oh wait, she wasn't.

Michelle said...

OMG. Reading your post got me riled up and I don't have children adopted or otherwise. What the h3ll was up with that assistant. She should have been trained on respecting the parent. Seriously, I would talk to the pediatrician about the assistant. Perhaps the team needs an inservice on RAD.

I love that you are standing your ground for your girl.

On a completely different note...I gave up wine for Lent...two weeks in...this is WAY harder than I thought. I left the door open for a martini though!

Marsha said...

Glad to hear I'm not the only mama-bear-with-claws-at-the-ready out there!

And your entitled to your bitchy days. With all you have going on (I can relate all too well,) it's no wonder!

I'm having some chats with God right now that I could use 36 hours to everybody else's 24, so I'll ask for you too! :-)

Donna said...

I'm still stunned over the Assistant's question. What would make her ask such a question?

Anyway, both of my girls were adopted after the magical age of 12 months. I've never been able to leave them overnight. Not even alone with Daddy. Sometimes I really need a break. I don't think I'll ever be able to return to work and I do have some resentments about that. But we do what we gotta do, right?

Our Blog: Double Happiness!

Shari U said...

Only you know what's right for your girl. You're the one living with her, assessing her and making decisions based on her best interest. The sad thing is that the judgment continues and eventually you just don't share anymore. And then when she's in school and thriving, people say "see, I told you'd she'd be just fine" they can't accept she's fine because you to help her heal. Seems like yesterday my 4 kids were all living at home and I remember the non-stop running around. 2 of them off to college now, things are a much nicer pace, but golly I miss em'. You're a great mom, keep going with your gut.

Meg said...

truthfully I'd be ticked if someone asked my bio boys if they were bad....ummmm, no jerkface, they aren't bad- they make bad choices from time to time but THEY are not bad...... but to ask that of an (obviously) adopted child? ridiculous. I'd love to know how you handled that because I'm not sure I would have done a good job of "kindly teaching" the for the friends who know better- ugh- it is horrible to have to explain and re-explain to people who are supposed to have our best interest at heart- i feel for you- and sorry for the pile on your plate......

Debbie said...

thinking of you ... sorry for the stupid, stupid, stupid things people say!!!! you are an amazing mom ... keep up the great work!!!

Steffie B. said...

Chaps my arse just reading about it! You just keep doing what you are doing Momma..... ;)

Wendy said...

We adopted before the magical age of 12 months. It was absolute hell for nearly a year. Being a new mom was hard but all of the issues that we had just had me teetering on the edge. I thought I had prepared myself for post-institutionalized issues, I would be okay. HAHAHA! I ended up with a pretty severe case of PAD because most of my friends and family members who had never adopted a child basically made me feel like I was crazy. Everything she was doing was normal. Everything was not normal and I am glad I finally saw through my depression fogged glasses and realized that we both needed help. I lost a really good friend over this. She just did not understand how this sweet child could be raging and raging for hours at only 11 months old. She didn't understand that what she was doing was actually not normal. She didn't understand why I had no time for friends that were needy. She didn't understand why I felt so defeated. We aren't friends anymore and it breaks my heart.

We have had our dd for two years. I only just started enjoying being her mom only 6 months ago. Different types of therapies, a care plan for all of us in the family, and therapy for me has made a significant change to our lives. Most days I don't feel like I have to hold my breath waiting for the shoe to drop. Most days I actually enjoy her. It was really, really rough and I am so glad that we are past that rough patch. I know that there is a possibility she can swing back into difficult behaviors but I feel at a much better place to deal with it now.

Thank you for validating feelings that I have had. Just by reading your words has been healing to some of the past hurts that I have had over post-adoption issues.

Colleen said...

Wendy's post is so similar to my life right now... "sigh"...

I wish I had my blog back for posts just like you have here, T. The family and friends that I have DONT get it, and I have no time or energy to try and explain it to their ignorant arses. Its just exhausting on all levels. For you, add to the mix of 3 boys, and everything else going on - I really don't know how you do it. I'm proud of you tho - believe it or not you inspire the hell out of me.

Um... "are you a bad girl"? Are you kidding me? I might have knocked her down. Good for you for holding your cool. What the crap is wrong with people?

Thinking of you.


Michal said...

My sister-in-law and I were talking last week about my daughter. This is an Aunt that has witnessed first hand some of Ev's attachment issues and been very upset and taken back by them. We are adopting again and Ev is a part of the process, mostly because it is one way for me to get conversations about adoption rolling, our girl is guarded and private and has been known to get up and walk out of the room when her time in China without is is brought up- so I have a difficult situation on top of a difficult situation... Anyway I was talking about this with my SIL and some of the things that I am seeing that means Ev is FINALLY starting to allow herself to process her loss and her Aunt? The person who loves her and sees her every day and KNOWS some of the things that we go through, she said "She was only 10 months old! How does she know?"
I got immediately nauseous and angry- mostly at myself for assuming that they get it. I have learned that they do not actually get it- they just learn to make the right noises.
Only we know what our children need. Only we can understand that there are things that are not "normal".
You are always there on the front line for Eme. You have never allowed yourself a single moment of delusion about her and her grief and loss. I am amazed by you.

Georgea's Mommy said...

I love you & that's all I have to say about that!!! Thanks for being real!

Debbie said...

Children do not have absolute meltdowns when they see their parents!!! Maybe a meltdown when you tell them no at the store but not when you have been away and you come home. "Are you a bad girl?" Why in the world would someone ask anyone that question?? People continue to slay me!!! Glad to know that you are right there with her every step of the way and that you are fighting for her every step of the way. You are one dedicated mother!!!!

Karen and Bob said...

People just don't get it. Period. My DD came home at 14.5 months, and though I think she has adjusted well, I will always wonder if some of her "feisty" behaviour is from those first 14.5 months in an institution, and pray that it doesn't turn to something worse.

Just love your line, " I always welcome insight, but not ignorance." So true!

Kris said...

I am always flabbergasted by those who think adopting a younger baby will somehow magically make the transition easier or attachment better. I have a very close friend who was blessed with one amazing little girl who is now 5- adopted I believe at 10m (China). She has one of the most severe cases of RAD/PTSD/SD that I've ever seen. And no, I'm not talking about our mutual friend which is another case in point.

Preverbal memory is the absolute hardest to process and make any kind of peace with...

I have NO clue how Garth and I got so lucky with M-n-M, who truly is a happy, well adjusted little girl. I know greater than 50% of that is just her natural temperament, which I have nothing to do with- and the rest is the fabulous care she received in China and continues to receive at home. Never in a billion years did I expect it to be like this... and not a day passes that I don't count my blessings because the reality is, at any moment, issues can and most likely will arise.

As for that comment? I would have knelt right down in her face and repeated the question back:

"Why no, Emerson sure hasn't been a bad girl. HAVE YOU?"

give me a break.

~ Alison n' Mali~ said...

I wonder if she'd think Mali's episodes are 'normal' for an average 5 year old. I tend to doubt it. & then there's all the other good stuff that happens to adoptive Moms (secondary PTSD, PAD, etc). That stuff must happen b/c our kids are so 'normal' as well. What's the big deal, anyway?? Gag me.

I've moved beyond people thinking I'm a weird, angry, irritable, overprotective mother. I'd rather have them think that than move into my gal's personal space or say things that are totally inappropriate. Now that M's older, she hears/sees/understands so much more of that stuff. We have a lot of chats about other people, how all adults are not as smart as Mommy is, & how she should handle certain situations. It's awful to have to arm her to deal with the general public. But we have to. They are our greatest enemy most days.

Speaking of 8&8 - how the HELL was I even attempting to do what we do now & work full-time??? No wonder I nearly killed myself.