Yes Lord, I'd like to cash my weekend of fun in for a fix it token with my girl. Could ya hook a sister up?

Last June or July we booked a trip to Key West with J's brother & wife and his sister & husband. At the time, I figured that all would be well with Eme Grace by the time this trip rolled around. We have spent the past 9 months working very heavy on a healthy attachment. Our #1 goal was here emotional healing. I was nervous up till the last second, but can honestly say that I really felt good about the quick trip away. She was in very good hands and her brothers were there as well as all her favorite dogs. Boy was I wrong.

We received very positive updates several times a day and things seemed to be going well for her. She was eating, sleeping and playing. All things normal for a fun loving girl her age.

We got home late and because I missed her so much I had to pick her up out of bed to snuggle her. She wanted nothing to do with me. Nothing. She went to Daddy for his comfort and made every attempt to push me away. I climbed into bed with her and we fell fast asleep. My hope was that morning would bring a new level of comfort. Not so much.

She wasn't angry, just indifferent. I saw through her act and knew that her heart was in a million pieces and as soon as we got home, she would need to be repouched...back to square 1.

The moment we got out of the car and I put her down she flipped her shit. No good way to put it, she had a colossal meltdown to the highest degree. I picked her up and carried her to the sofa where she could kick, scream and let it out without hurting herself on anything. She wasn't alone, I was right there with her, telling her to let it out. I understood in that moment that we are a long way from where we need to be. I let my girl down in a major way. This Mommy screwed up. I underestimated the pain, the loss, the memory, the anxiety, the fear. My weekend of fun came at her expense. She's a hot mess.

As quick as Daddy could unpack the ergo, she was back in it. Her meltdown in the ergo continued for another hour. & for the first time ever, she wanted as far from me as she could get. She kicked, she screamed, she slapped, she raged, she cried...hard. I cried right along side of her and continued my "it's okay, Mommy is strong enough for both of us...you just let it all out. This Mommy always comes back. This Mommy loves you to the ends of the earth and back and I will always come back. I love you, I love you, I love you"....& so goes the story.

She crashed and burned out of complete exhaustion. We laid together and napped, with her on my chest still in the ergo. She didn't sleep well, she whimpered throughout the rest. & for the first time in a very long time, it was my comfort that she rejected.

Her main attachment is to me, I broke her heart. It was me who brought out the animalistic behavior of pain and anger all rolled up in a tightly wound ball of flight or fight fury. The moaning cries came from a place deep within her full of fear, for over an hour.

I was counting on her waking up fighting mad that she was still in the ergo, but nope, that wasn't the case. She woke up in what would seem to be a perfectly lovely mood. I hand fed her little bites of spinach dip on bread and she happily accepted this and then she proceeded to charm the pants off of Daddy & I. She worked it, like a pro. & it was in this moment that I realized we still live with fake. Fake smiles, fake laughter, fake kisses, fake. We saw a lot of fake in China and fake continued to live with us for the next 2-3 months. It wasn't till a good 5-months into our relationship that fake disappeared. We haven't seen fake for about 4 months, till today.

I thank Alison for texting me off the ledge and being one of the few that knows exactly what I'm seeing is real. It's behavior that was saved up just for Mommy. Her anxiety peeked and knowing what little I know about her stress levels, I do believe she was out of whack and I believe some of her behavior was completely out of her control. This isn't something that we are using to teach her that Mommy always comes back, this is something that we are learning from.

Alison said something to me that stuck with me all day and that was that it was better for her to act like this than indifferent. It has stuck with me because I'm not sure I would have recognized the signs had she not. Her daily report was wonderful and normal and had she not melted down to this level of degree, I might have assumed that all was well and continue on with life as normal. & that would have been the biggest mistake ever and would have probably come back to haunt me 3 years later and put us in a whole different predicament. We all know what assuming means right?!?! ASS/U/ME My advice to anyone out there reading this post on our pain is to NOT assume that all is well with your child because you haven't picked up on any signs that are not normal. I secretly hoped that the minute we entered our home, she would feel safe and comfortable and those warm fuzzy feelings would replace all her indifferent feelings. Had she just got over it once we got home, life probably would have moved on and my girl's heart would have cracked deeper into the sea of abyss.

So here we are, moving through the pain...together. Using the knowledge that we have to make better decisions in the future and reminding myself that love is not enough.
This Mommy gig isn't for wimps.