Monday, March 1, 2010

Goofing Off



Today I scheduled Eme's next test...one that will cause her great pain.
I spoke with the techs and was assured that I would be allowed to be with Eme throughout the entire procedure. Thank you all for the melamine reminder, I did inquire about that and according to the Dr., we are dealing with a genetic anatomy issue. I hate the pain she will endure, if I could only absorb it all for her....
I scheduled all nasty things to take place after her 2nd birthday, my 1st with her. I wrote her a letter from my heart today and stored inside of her cute pink box of all things sentimental. I have so many feelings on everything she's already endured & all those feelings that she is yet to absorb. As I rocked her, held her & sang to her in the hospital, my heart was breaking off into a million pieces wondering who held my most precious daughter during the first 15 months of her life...? How in the world did somebody have the strength to leave her lying in front of a building all alone on a cold March day. Who held her when she was sick? When she was in pain? When she needed unconditional love? My heart broke for her first 15 months of life and her past 9 months with us. I wanted to take that magic eraser and make it all beautiful, all perfect in a snugly sort of way. But I can't. I can't wash away her past, her pain, her journey. I can only hope & pray that her story will only make her stronger. She's a magical kind of gal. She has this ability to lure you in with her eyes. She seems to bring out the best in everybody, she's my good time girl and that fact has been a constant part of her personality since the day I first held her. No doubt in my mind that she's resilient, but she is human and my heart breaks for her and all that she's gone through and all that is yet to come.
Have I ever mentioned how much I adore her???
Sometimes I feel like I need to speak a different language to find new words for how heavy she weighs on my heart, she's just so amazing and she has managed to slither her little being into every crevice of our existence.

7 comments:

Isabella's Mommy and Daddy said...

BEAUTIFUL post..
Eme has a wonderful family that will help her through all the pain and the joy of her life..
Love the photos..
Have a great week..
I will be thinking of you when you have to go and sit with your baby girl. I think it is harder on us to see them go through the pain..
Hugs..

Sandra said...

I have wondered many of the same things myself.
I love the pictures of Eme, especially the first ones on the bed. She seems so full of JOY!

Laurie said...

The love just jumps out of that post and I believe love can heal a lot of hurt.

~Kristen said...

I so wish she didn't have to go through any more pain... but am so glad she has you to pull her through.

And you are so very right. She IS a magical girl... she had me wrapped the moment I met her... which was obvious in the photo of her & i on the dock... I'd have given her anything she wanted, had she asked!!! She is an amazing soul... and you are lucky people to raise her, as the rest of us are to know her... :)

Melinda said...

Such a beautiful heartfelt post. I have struggled with many of the emotions you are experiencing. Who loved and comforted our girl before us? I have literally been in tears more times than I care to count thinking about if someone held her and loved her. My biggest struggle with this was actually when we were in China and then of course during her surgery and recovery. At one point it became all consuming and it broke my heart to think about it. It still does but knowing that she will always have someone to comfort her and that she now knows unconditional love has helped me to begin to come terms with those unknown parts of her past.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers as Eme goes through her tests. What a brave little girl she is and what a wonderful mommy she has!

Kayce said...

Her story and her incredible momma will make her a strong woman. You are all in my thoughts T. Many, many hugs.

3 Peanuts said...

Your love for her is beautiful.