After reading the RQ today, I thought maybe it would be a good idea to lay it all out for the close family and friends that do read this blog.
However, most of you that read this, have adopted and have experiences of your own that you can feel free to share. Maybe you handled things in a poor way and you hope for a redo. Maybe you were hurt by a comment that clearly was a dig to your child and you had a great response that you would like to share.
J & I have hoped, planned & prepared for Emerson to come home, but one thing we can not plan on are the comments that just slide out of mouths, rather they be hurtful, insulting or just plain ignorant. There are a few things that we have talked about that will never be okay with us. If a friend or family member has anything negative to say about adoption or the ethnicity of my daughter, we will simply cut them out of her life. It is not my responsibilty to educate the ignorant at the expense of my childs feelings. It may sound harsh, but her emotional health is far more important to me than their feelings. I honestly do not think that that this will be the issue with our friends and families, they all seem to really respect our decision to adopt, but sometimes I hear little things that I think will have to change. One being the label, she will not be our 'adopted Chinese daughter'...she is 'our daughter'. We never want to hear an introduction like:
this is J&T with their 3 sons & their adopted daughter. Hearing that makes me cringe.
Being adopted is certainly nothing to feel shame about & we will raise her to know her history and be proud of who she is, but being introduced or pointed out as the different one in the family might play on her feelings and we will not tolerate it. We've been working hard on these sort of statements with the boys.
I do have one friend that I keep at arms length at this point in our life because she has said a few things that I find offensive. One time she tried to tell me about a mutual friend who was in the China line as well, but opted for a domestic adoption. She has repeatedly told me how much better the situation is because the child looks just like her, white with red hair & doesn't even "look" adopted. Another time, she tried to convince another friend to 'have her own' instead of adopt because there is no greater joy in the world than to have your own child, I suddenly felt very sorry for her. I felt she was selfish, selfish with her love. To honestly say that you could never love anything that didn't come straight out of your gene pool is just selfish & that's fine, adoption isn't for everyone, but those are the remarks that we just don't want to hear....so why place ourselves around people that always have some zinger of a comment. It's been over 2 years and I still remember that conversation just like it was yesterday.
I can honestly say that when we began blogging our journey back in 2006, we did so in hopes of getting friends & family on board with the idea so they knew the process & would feel our desire, even if they didn't understand it. I am part smartass and have struggled keeping my lips sealed when a zinger is thrown out in a conversation. I will not passively sit by to avoid the confrontation of a shitty remark by any friend or family member if said in front of my daughter. Friends are easier to handle, because you can pick them...but you can't pick family & the bar of expectation isn't lowered because they are family.
Here's a fun link to read.
My favorite response comment is, "Your an idiot" & maybe that will be my trained response.
I am sure that my mood will play a great big role in my responses and no doubt the comments will always take me by surprise.
Thanks a ton for all the shopping suggestions, I wrote every one of them down.
I really need to get busy....we only have
7 more days till we leave!!!