Thursday, April 16, 2009

Not gonna lie, this Mom gig is hard....& I'm packing a soap box...

I have stared into these eyes all day long...
(this is what J & the boys refer to as her 'Tiger picture')
I have spent the day studying up on RAD. The tough stuff that most people don't want to talk about, the stuff that scares you shitless, the kind of stuff that makes you yell out a big, "WHOA..."
Because my dear friend is deep in the throws of therapy to help heal her daughters heart, I've decided to dust off the attachment books and dig as deep down as I can go in order to better prepare myself & my family. J came home an hour early and we spent the entire time talking about everything I read. My highlighter is about to run out of ink & my eyeballs hurt. I do feel better empowered for what might be coming, but I also feel completely inadequate for the duty that is calling. I'm scared there won't be enough of me to go around. My girl will have had 3 abandonment's in her life by the time I roll in to pick her up....I would say that's an 'interruption' in what should have been the most formative bonding time in her life, the first year.
J & I are spending a whole lot of time talking about how we must change our parenting style to fit the child that is in a high risk category of having attachment issues. Most of my close friends and family will not understand many of the things that we are going to do with Emerson & the reasons behind them. I'm afraid this will only make things more difficult. We do live a social life with many people in & out of our home daily & I am wondering how all this will balance itself out. I'm scared that we won't be strong enough to handle her fragile state for as long as she needs. I feel as though I am cramming for the big final in one month & have way to much to learn!
The good thing is, my husband is vowing to do everything on this earth to get it right with her, including moving the sun in the sky if need be.
__________________________________________________
Next topic.....as I pull out my soapbox &
climb on the very tip top spot.
Why in the hell would anyone think that traveling to the very country, that finds you worthy of raising one of their very own jewels, that is low on resources to take care of the very people that hand you one of their own ACCEPTABLE to leave your dirty underwear across the many Provinces of China???????? I'm totally disgusted to read the many threads dealing with packing and how many people have declared that they will NOT be bringing home any dirty underwear, but instead, they will just ditch em! Apparently, they haven't been educated on China's overflowing landfills. I'm pretty certain you don't have to be an educated person to figure out that China doesn't really care to deal with your dirty laundry.
Bring your damn dirty underwear home with you!
Disposable underwear you ask? Yeah, how biodegradable is that? I don't know, but I find the whole discussion in the forum to be outrageous. I don't care if you shit yourself on Gotcha Day, bring your undies home, please don't scatter them throughout the beautiful country of China as your departing gift......
now stepping off my soap box.......
__________________________________________________________
2 bullets:
*Because inquiring minds have asked, I will take some photos of the pink palace soon.
*G made the "A" team in golf at his school. He was thrilled and we were for him as well. He doesn't really have the opportunity to play a whole lot, unless he's with his Gramps, so he was very happy to be playing with the heavy hitters. Of course the first thing he wanted to do was call his Gramps to thank him for taking him golfing every.single.day of his spring break.
(I'm totally blowing this G rated thing aren't I?)

30 comments:

Angela said...

Ah, the underwear debate! Yeah, I remember reading that somewhere a long time ago, back before the LONG wait, and thought what the heck, underwear takes up less space in a suit case than just about anything! If they don't want to bring them home, then they should just go to China camando!

Liene said...

Are you serious??? People leave underwear there because they don't want to bring it home. WTF?? Oh that's right the US of A is perfect...

That really angers me to pieces. If people feel like that why the heck are they going to China to adopt???

GRRRR!!!

2china4S said...

Do what you have to do, and forget about what others think. We were heavily criticized by our choices. Our child, our way. Even with all of our precautions, we have just realized that our daughter is struggling. A long weekend to meet with friends, turned into quite an eye opener. Thankfully, we had already ordered the book. We ordered the Nancy Thomas CD on Tuesday.

Can't even comment on the underwear thing. And people wonder why we are less than welcomed abroad.

Isabella's Mommy and Daddy said...

WAY TO GO "G"....
How exciting.. great job..
As for the underwear..I have never heard that before.. I will be bringing my undies home...
And as for the attachment..
I soooo hope that you share what you are doing when you get home..
I know that I have NO IDEA .. and I know everyone is different.. but it would help us out here in bloggerville ..the ones still waiting.. some of the things that help while trying to bond with your babies...
I soo cannot wait to see her beautiful room..
Hugs..
Thinking of you often..I am sooo excited for you..

Catherine said...

Way to go 'G'!!! Great accomplishment!

Attachmeng is huge and I've been doing some prep work too as our friend is working through her situation as in another friend too with a child about the same age. Attachment is something so few take the time to learn about. Will look forward to seeing what you're doing and learning from you. For now, off the purchase the CD's our friend recommended and suck up the $24.00 shipping they're charging me to Canada. Our children are priceless so we do what it best for them whatever the cost financially and also with family and friends who don't really understand. Praying for your sweet E and that you will bond well.

Tawni said...

It's your way - not theirs. They don't need to understand. It's what's best for Emerson. We decided that with A (I realize it's a little different situations - but, adoption none-the-less) that we needed to do what was best for her. You're preparing and you've been preparing for friggin forever. You can do it and you are completely adequate...never doubt it.

I'm not even sure what to say about the whole underwear thing...seriously? People have LEFT their UNDERWEAR? It boggles my mind........um,.........

High fives to G. Golf's a fav around here as well.

t

Tawni said...

As if my reply wasn't long enough...I forgot to tell you that Av is almost a year, she wears a size 2 in shoes. I bet Emerson's about the same size...

Have fun shoe shopping...it's like dessert, but better. ;)

M :-) said...

We had so many people that didn't understand our choices when our daughter came home. What they didn't understand is this ... she had four losses before us ... we were the fifth set of people that she was supposed to "trust" ... you better believe that I was going to do everything in my power to build that attachment. (and it's still a work in progress) We had to speak at our adoption agency a few weeks ago, and my husband said it best ... we were bascially in lock down! ;) We really didn't have people over or go anywhere for nearly 6 months. It was tough, but we had to do what was right for our daughter. Stick to your guns!

***

Are you serious about the underwear? Good grief! What is up with that? Bring the darn things home and wash them - WHY would you leave them there? So, when these people go on vacation do they just ditch their underwear so they don't have to bring them home? Makes no sense to me. Hmmm!

Congrats to G!

A Beautiful Mess said...

gaaaaw I love it when you take your soap box out and haul your a$$ on up there!!

oh the underwear people....well they are just stupid. Never heard of such a thing!! Stupid...makes the cheerios thread look like rocket science.*snort*

xo
mare

A Beautiful Mess said...

Oh yea...I guess I could have just typed ASS since this is no way a G rated blog!

Island Girl said...

Attachment issues are serious for any adoptive parent or foster parent. It good to be prepared.

Are you serious about the underwear thing??? Thats just the stupidest ( and laziest) thing I have ever heard. People sometime just suck!!!

And T don't worry being G rated is really "overrated" ;P

Bobbie

Joanne said...

Just the fact that you are reading up on attach. issues is great! So many people don't want to believe that these issues will touch their childs life. I devoured all the attach. info. I could before/
during/and after our girl came home. It can really scare the...out of you, but better to be informed. I often look back to when Mia first came home, and now recognize some of her behavior then as "institutional" behavoir. I could kick myself sometimes ... but then we all make mistakes as parents, it's inevitable. I think some of the best things we did where; answer to all her basic needs ourselves (feeding, holding, bathing, etc). A routine was key! I think I took her out too much in the beginning and should have realized she needed to adjust to her home surroundings first - this isn't an issue for all kids though. Mia's food issues (I always had to have food & drink with me or she would freak out!), visiting outside the home (she would often scream or cry if people came too close to her) - I had to come to terms (and it still and probably will always kill me inside) with the fact that she was rarely touched, spent too much time in a crib and didn't have enough to eat.
Your girl, however, seems to be from a wonderful area and looks healthy and it sounds like she is being well cared for; but she needs to learn what being a part of a family is, and she will! - and she will thrive even more!
So sorry this is long, but what I think I'm trying to say is, when you get your daughter home and you all learn about each other - you will discover what she needs and you will all be fine :)
Again, I am so happy for all of you :)

*I took my undies home with me - so did hubby - cannot believe people would even consider leaving it in their child's birth country ~ shame on you!!!!!!!!!

Sandra said...

Are you kidding? People are leaving their underwear behind? I have not heard that, but it's ridiculous.

Good for you for preparing yourself for what might be ahead. I wish I had done so.

Mindi said...

You need to do what's best for your precious girl, and it sounds as though you are arming yourself with the info to do that. Like everyone before me has said, it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks...it is about transitioning your baby into your family and meeting her needs.

As luck would have it, my very best friend in the whole world lived in Guangzhou when we traveled over to get Lily. And while I was so excited that she would be the first to meet her, she couldn't understand why I didn't let her feed her any bottles, or change any diapers. The same held true for grandparents, etc when we got home. My husband and I did all the caretaking for a good while, eventually adding in our seven year old daughter before anyone else. You are going to be wonderful parents to Emerson and she is so blessed to be joining your family! I can't wait to follow your journey as you get her!!!

I can't even comment on the underwear thing...that's just pathetic.

Marla said...

Good for you reading up! It is definitely best to be prepared than not and you'll know what to look for if an issue does come up. Hopefully it won't though, we were very blessed to have minimal problems with our girls, even Jacey who was almost 6 at the time adjusted beautifully. Will it be easy? No, it won't and it isn't. It's a major life change for all of you, and there will certainly be days when you are overwhelmed, but you have a strong family and will get through it. You have to do what you feel is right for your family about how much contact outsiders have with Eme at first, and if someone gets their feelings hurt, well, too bad. Your kid, your choices. Bottom line. You will be strong enough to handle this. You will!

The underwear thing is sick. How freaking stupid to leave them behind, I don't get it. What exactly is the advantage of leaving them behind? Saving packing space? How big are these people's underwear? Yikes...

Colleen said...

First... Rock on G. He should be so proud of himself.

Second...you are doing ALL the right things. Family and friends just have to understand, and if they don't... to bad quite honestly. I wish I knew more and researched more in the beginning. Lord knows I am reading all I can now. Tough road ahead, perhaps....perhaps not. Preperation is key, and all the love you you guys have, will make your family work.

I've seen the pink palace...believe I've spent enough nights in there to say what a FABULOUS room it is. So cozy...geez....do I really need to share? Ok...for her? ANYTHING.

This is a wonderful time for you, I totally agree with all you are doing to educate yourselves, but don't forget to enjoy this moment. It comes only once.

Oh and the underwear? Stop it! Anything "left behind" is just totally disrespectful as far as I am concerned.

Special K said...

1. Rock on G!
2. How much room in your luggage can underwear possibly take up? I mean, seriously...just take it home.
3. You'll do just fine with E. You're learning what needs to be done which says a lot. I've seen you advocate for your kids before (look at all the stuff for C) and you do a beautiful job. Your social situation may just have to change for awhile. They'll understand.

~ Alison n' Mali~ said...

M & I would refer to that pic as her 'Yo Gabba' Pic - she's got good taste already. Whatever u call it, she's utterly adorable.

People will just have to mind your boundaries - & if they don't then they can read up on it. It's amazing how most people think things like, "ooohh come on - what harm can huggin do?!" Clueless I tell u.

"I don't care if you shit yourself on Gotcha Day . . . " AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ! Best laugh I've had all day. If their undies take up THAT much space in their luggage, they have bigger issues to contend with.

Congrats to G!

Heza Hekele said...

I love the socks over her arms...like someone thought they should add stripes at the last minute!

Anonymous said...

Ex Officio makes these really great (well okay, slighly granny) undies that you can wash with bio suds and then they are dry by the next morning! I used them in China and loved them. Check out Travelsmith or Magellans...I got them off one of those sites.

Daisy Dreams said...

Still struggling 3 years later with attachment issues with B. And I thought I was so prepared. It's a daily fight with those around me. Just yesterday at school, they allowed her to choose to stay behind instead of going with everyone else on a field trip. And then she got "one on one coddling time" as I call it. I was FURIOUS. I can tell them til I'm green that what they're doing is a disservice to B and they just.don't.get.it.

Good luck!!

Luna said...

Way to go, G!!!!!

I'm scared shitless with all I have heard about attachment, but I think all we can do is prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. It might not be an easy road, but heck...Aren't we used to that already? We're all MUCH stronger than we started out 3 1/2 years ago....We can do this. I'm just glad we have each other to lean on.

I'm not leaving my ladybug undies in China...No worries, sista!!

Debbie said...

I was just on RQ looking through the forum on travel and I thought the very same thing about leaving the dirty underwear. How gross!!! It's my laundry, for goodness sake just put it in a large ziploc baggie and bring it home. Lord know they don't need me to leave behind trash!! Good grief!!! Some people just don't think!!! What a rude way to say "Thanks for allowing me to have one of your precious children to raise as my own and oh by the way, I don't want to take my dirty laundry home so here a gift"!!!

Melinda said...

I think it is great that you are reading up on attachment! It reminds me that I need to be doing the same. I have read about RAD and attacment issues before but I would definitely benefit from a refresher course!

About the underwear....how disgusting! What are people thinking?

OziMum said...

There are plenty of things I've read, about folks who travel to a foreign country... then complain constantly about it!!! WTF?!! Stay the heck home, then! And leaving dirty undies there? Well I just don't get that. Who wants "strangers" to see their dirty undies in the bin?!!

I don't have any info at all (nor can I find anything online) re: my baby girl's previous home. Her nanny's oozed affection for her, and she seems so well adjusted - so for now, I'm thinking that even though her first 16 months, might not have been as luxurious as they are now - she really was loved. I read dozens of books on "the worst case scenario" - and so far, I've experienced nothing like it - thank God!

Snowflowers Mum said...

okay..I just saw your referral on RQ, I don't visit there very often anymore but I saw some new referrals and thought I'd drop by...WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY BLOGGY LIFE! You say SHIT, you declare war on stupid people and their crazy knicker littering, AND...you are actually educating yourself on ptsd and not hiding your head in the sand dreaming of rainbows and sparkles!

kudos to you sister!

kris said...

dude. are you shitting me? HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?????? my god.

hi hayley. (that's my best friend that just stopped by above, the one i visited up in MN. 5 years we go back. should have sent her to you LONG ago. she's from NZ. you will love her and my 2 nieces!)...

3 Peanuts said...

T,
I never heard of this underwear phenomenon. CRAZY!
As far as attachment goes...read all you can, be on the lookout for indiscriminate attachment down the road a bit. Often there is a BIG honeymoon phase (ours was about 4 months). I can say Kate had a few blips (at the 4-6 month mark) but she has such an incredibly healthy attachment now. I have a doctorate in marriage and family so I studied this in graduate school as well as our adoption. I also sought out an attachment specialist so please KNOW that i am here if you ever need any support:)

Hugs,
Kim

Shannon said...

Way to go, A!! I'm still giggling over your stand. All those against undies across China, please raise a glass! =)

Shannon said...

Oops, Way to go G on making the A team. Guess I was already raising that glass!?! =)